Wednesday, February 25, 2009

velonews fail-- zabriskies' muses

can't velonews think a little bit more of dave zabriskie? reporting such lies amongst his stolen goods such as: "7 Marvel sideshow statues ($11,000) "
According to police, the Marvel sideshow statues are distinctive in that they
stand two- to three feet tall and are very heavy. The stolen statues were
of: "Hellboy" pistol figure, "Ash" Army of Darkness, "Tomb Raider" Lara Croft,
"The Punisher," Alien," "Ironman" Limited Edition, and a "Gears of War

what was a lie? that they were stolen? that they were valued at $11,000. no. that they were marvel.

we all know zabriskie loves some marvel comics after his captain america-esque skinsuit. but to think that his superhero tastes only extend to the largest mutant brandname?
please, velonews.

give zabriskie a little bit more credit than that! do you really think that the only motivation zabriskie draws from when hunched over in that crazy aero position are some standard x-men or fantastic four characters? no. zabriskie's mind extends well past these obvious superheros into some more obscure mutant charcters.

in fact, only two -- less than 30 percent -- of those statues were marvel characters.
but who are these characters? who is the muse behind zabriskie's speed. lucky for you, beth bikes will save the day.
i asked my most excellent (and comic book dork - xoxo) brother to offer some insights on zabriskie's figurines. thank you very much to my brother for this information and commentary, who claims to have compiled all this without referencing the internet. sorry girls, he's married. thanks very much to my own blood for guest blogging on some important information.

1. "Hellboy" pistol figurine

Hellboy is a character and comic created by Mike Mignola, originally a Portland Native, and published by Miwaukie Oregon company Dark Horse Comics. Guillermo De Toro has directed two movies about the character, starring Ron Perlmen in the title role. Del Toro is now directing the Hobbit, meaning the next Hellboy movie will be in about 10 years.

Hellboy was the creation of a Nazi occult plot in the waning days of WWII to deliver a super weapon to the aid of the Reich. The result was a baby demon. Raised by the American army. Hellboy is an agent of the Government and shoots overlarge weaponry at demons and monsters of all kinds, protecting us from "Things that go Bump in the Night."

Hellboy likes kittens, chocolate, and TV.

note: NOT a marvel comic book! this is published by darkhorse comics.

2. "Ash" Army of Darkness

Ash is the main character from the Evildead movies, directed by Sam Raimi (Spider Man), and is played by Ashland, Oregon native Bruce Campbell. Ash had his arm infected by Deadites from the book of all evil: The Necronomicon. He is best known for his multiple one-liners from the movie Army of Darkness, easily one of the best cult 
all time. Favorites include: "Come get some." "First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me." "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." and "Who's with me!"

note: NOT a marvel comic! this is published by darkhorse comics!

3. "Tomb Raider" Lara Croft

A great first person video game followed up by 8-9 awful sequels. Game play was first person, with an Indiana Jones type feel. Go into Tomb, get treasure, alien artifact, escape, etc. Best known for gratuitous 
computer animation of female lead character, Lara Croft, that made Rob Liefeld look like a realist.

Terrible movie series starred Angelina Jolie as the title character: Lara Croft.

note: NOT a marvel comic! this video game was designed by core design and published by eidos interactive.

4. "The Punisher"

Marvel comic character, a.k.a. Frank Castle. Ex Vietnam green beret who returned from war to see his family gunned down by the mob. Became a lethal vigilante killing criminals. Inspired by DeathWish series of movies. Wears a black T-Shirt, with a stylized skull print.
3 origin movies. All terrible.

I hate this character. I really hate this character.

note: finally a marvel comic book character.

5. "Alien"
[beth] there really is no alien named "alien" in marvel comics. my brother believes instead that zabriskie had a statue from one of the alien movies? if someone has further information here, please discuss. [end]

Game over man! Game over!

Sci-Fi series of movies directed by multiple directors: Alien, Aliens, Alien^3, Alien Resurrection... All very different thematically. The movies star Sigourney Weaver at her very best fighting to regain her humanity at the hand of these lethal aliens, and government agents trying to use the aliens as weapons. (Drop aliens on planet, let aliens kill everyone on planet.)

Ridley Scott directed Alien, which is more of a horror movie in space. James Cameron directed Aliens, which is more of an Action movie (But really well done. Look for Bill Paxton overacting to the extreme in a small role that builds off his work in the original Terminator)

note: not a marvel character, obviously

6. "Iroman"
Captured by a warlord in East Asia, Tony Stark was held captive while some wartime sharpernal was working its way into his heart. Physicist friend made him an iron suit to keep him alive. Joined the Avengers when he came back to the states.
Also an MIT Alum. :)
Made into motion picture. One of the 10 best movies of 2008. Easier to find on DVD than explain here.
note: yes, finally one other marvel comic. that makes two.

7. "Gears of War"

Video game series. Not terribly familiar, believe it's a variant FPS with a plot revolving around Bionic supersoldiers retiring/ saving the world one last time. Last FPS I got involved with was Duke Nukem 3-D. I think they are making this into a DC comic?

note: NOT a marvel comic, turning into a DC comic - marvel's arch rival!
so there we have it. only two of those statues were actually based on marvel comic characters. the rest a slew of video games and independent comic publishers (and perhaps a motion picture).
but what can you expect from velonews. it is totally a bunch of dumb jocks writing articles devoid of real-world knowledge. and that is why you all read my blog.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

no muffins for you!

during the middle of my race i determined road races are like group rides with not so much chit chat and no muffin stops.  this is unfortunate as i like muffins.  and chit chat.  i thought i'd crack a joke during the "bumpy section" on the race over the potholes...  so i said: "who's having sex tonight?" cause i thought it was funny [hi mom!] but i think only one girl laughed.  and she was kind of obligated to laugh, as she was riding right next to me.  tough crowd.  i didn't crack anymore jokes, cause i couldn't think of one funnier than that.  

so, needless to say racing is a bit more dull without bells ringing dictating fast laps.  and things happen much more slowly in a road race than a track race- more time to think and contemplate.  "oh look, a jump.  oooo look at that cow!  is she still up there?  is anyone else going to chase?  should i chase?  oh look another cow!"    

we basically rode around in a big circle.  sometimes it was fast, sometimes it was slow.  then there were only about a dozen of us for the sprint.  i jumped way too early.... note to self: sprinting uphill after 40 miles is a bit different than sprinting after a 666m windup... so jumping well before 200m is not a good idea.  i kinda hit the wall big time the last 30 or so meters, but i'd rather hit the wall than finish with a lot more sprint left...which is what happened to me at cherry pie criterium.  so all is good.  i am going to give the MVP award to lisa (from vapor) who was a total powerhouse and pulled for approximately 36 of the 38 miles. runner up goes to monica (from infovista); also, major props to the two los gatos girls who were totally drilling it on the straight away in the final lap. impressive for sure!   congrats to annie (from webcor) who won our race-- she had an awesome finish for sure!

in summary, it was a pretty day to ride bikes and it was a bunch of fun riding with a group of women at a pretty good clip for a couple hours.  everyone was very nice.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

versus & keirin cut

thanks to a commenter for pointing this out and taking a picture of their tv.

stage 3:

unfortunately it seems cancer is getting a lot more publicity than my jeans.

Monday, February 16, 2009

anarchists don't quite have the cut down

i was hoping to have a very exciting post for you today...about meeting michael ball and all of my most excellent tv coverage of my keirin cut chalking campaign....but i only have bad news.

i did not run into michael ball on sunday in santa rosa. needless to say, i am quite disappointed. i did, however, talk to some of michael ball's cronies... but it isn't exactly the same thing...

here is me sneaking up the rock racing car. please observe the jeans i am wearing that are too long and very wet.

and here is me trying to sneak into the back right door. unfortunately, it was locked. as you can tell that security is high, with the car being behind a cage (even though it was pretty easy to get through there)

what i was most struck by, seeing all the new rock racing marketing, was the rock racing trailer.

and the anarchy symbol is even all over the new kits. here is a picture from ken conley:

i didn't know michael ball was so into anarchy! sweeeeeeet!

michael ball, you must looove "days of war, nights of love?" pretty classic, huh?

see, look, he is even into Rock Racing tagging at UCI headquarters.

this gave me a sigh of relief that ball is totally all about disregarding the law! he must be totally into tagging. i think this means that michael ball would totally be in support of tagging "keirin cut" outside Rock & Republic headquarters. sadly, i don't live close by... but if you are in LA, feel free to tag "keirin cut" at the corporate office located at:
127 E 9th St # 1111, Los Angeles
or at their main distribution store located around beverly hills:
103 S Robertson Blvd, Los Angeles
i mean, nothing says anarchy like protesting $300 jeans that don't fit!


so not am i only bummed about not getting to chat up the ball-ster... but the rain has really been a damper on my parade. i mean, it must suck for all those guys racing in the rain. but it really sucks for me who was banking on some mass chalking of "keirin cut" on the road. i haven't seen any. someone did post a comment about using a bag of flour on the road in substitute of chalk; however, i have some concerns about the safety of riding over wet flour, so, i don't really advocate this.

i did, however, get this emailed to me. not sure if this is even on the tour route, but let's hope we'll see it on versus in the next couple of days.


i don't think some people get it how much these jeans are actually needed. now the anonymous comment i posted seemed to think my big quads are an anomoly. now, i like to think i am special and unique, but really, let's be honest, i am pretty average all around. i hear from many, many women time and time again about the improper "quad to waist" ratio of jeans. i hear this especially from girls who do sports of all varieties.

let me give you a concrete example, because i don't think some dudes really understand. graphics are always helpful.

so today i finally got to try on my first pair of rock & republic jeans. this is the perfect example of why "keirin cut" jeans are needed.

now, i have been trying to get michiko to go try on designer jeans with me for awhile to try on some R&R jeans...cause she is my only high class friend. and she told me she didn't want to take me to boutiques in downtown san francisco that actually carry these jeans, because she actually shops there regularly and doesn't want to be embarassed by my shanaingins. fair enough.

so i just saw an old friend who was in fact wearing some rock & republic jeans. now, i was quite astounded she could afford these, but she said they were "on sale." i promptly told her to take off her pants, as i needed to try them on.

here is a back shot, so you can see, that, yes, they are in fact "rock & republic jeans." i also put a tape measure around them and wore my orange shoes so you know it is me. most importantly, you can also see that this is a size in which the quads fit adequately, as does the butt.

now let us take a side view. here is a shot showing how enormously huge the waist must be for my humongous quads to fit. that is quite a poor "quad to waist ratio" in normal R&R jeans.

question: how big is the R&R quad to waist ratio off? answer: the width of a large size kleenex box. no belt can help that situation.

the kleenex box is 7.5 centimeters. these jeans were a size 31-- which is what fits my quads; however, something that fits normal on the waist would need to be trimmed down by approximately 7.5 cm, which is about 3 inches, which would be about a size 28.

this, of course, is just a quick experiment showing how the sizing of keirin cut jeans would need to be seriously altered to accomadate for the large quads, and adjust to a proper size "quad to waist ratio."

i hope this demo was informative and displayed some useful information on how different keirin cut jeans would be designed.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

happy valentine's day to you too.

oooo, snap.
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "keirin cut and ToC - help needed!":


You've got to be kidding about the Thunder-thigh jean cut demands.

If you aren't, then you are a psycho.

Here'e marketing 101 for you, which, if you're looking for some sort of paid career after the bike infatuation matures, well, stfu and learn a thing or two.

While no doubt your thighs need some breathing room, the market niche for such girls as you is not a viable market niche. It's an orphan drug in denim.

If you think it's such a viable niche, go to a contract manufacturer and have him build you a few thousand pairs in each size from 2 - 14 and make yourself rich.

If you are not willing to do that, then all you're doing is demonstrating you are psychotic to the entire world.

Face it, Michael Ball is just not that in to you.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

send me your keirin cut photos

thanks steve from monterey!

a stellar photoshop job for sure.

but photoshop does me no good in the real world. you know what happened today??? i read on the ToC "play by play"---


The finish line area is chalked in yellow with messages written by cancer survivors who were give chalk by the LIVESTRONG organization.

now c'mon! we can do better than lance and a multimillion dollar organization working on cancer. what about my jeans, people?! i'd like to see "keirin cut" outshine livestrong on the chalking.

steve gave me confirmation that his commitment wasn't limited to photoshop: "a few of us might come close to this if the Solvang TT course is dry." stellar. i can't wait. glad to see that solvang TT will have some chalking.

what about other place? where will you chalk?! please let me know in my comments.

i do hope some of my 45-year fans from silicon valley are all over tunitas creek. and i hope those hippies in santa cruz can find some local fresh organic chalk for bonny doon. this would be most excellent, so please help a big-quaded girl out.

remember to take pictures and email them to me (and please tell me the location). thanks!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

keirin cut and ToC - help needed!

so no word yet on whether michael ball is going to goldsprint against me during the ToC, let me drive with him in his team car, or even if he is finally going to bring me his prototype of my keirin cut jeans...   with michael ball in such close proximity for the ToC, it is very important for me to step up my gueirrilla marketing so i can finally get my keirin cut jeans! 

however, for this to be successful, i will need the aid of many, many cycling fans all across california.  please help a big quaded girl out!  it will be fun-- not only will you make me happy, but you will be part of a very historic moment: keirin cut's debut to the public media.

my vision:  have KEIRIN CUT JEANS or KEIRIN CUT chalked all over the ToC route.  yes, i mean keirin cut all over the road on the prologue, stage 1, stage 2, etc., etc.  i want mad TV coverage!  i want michael ball to be driving his escalade and be shocked at the amount of wide support there is for keirin cut.  i want to see to it that "keirin cut" branding get out there more than "livestrong." (sorry lance)

versus will be covering the ToC live and what could be better than hearing phil liggett going: "what is this keirin cut?" and then listening to his commentary on the matter.  which i am sure will be priceless.

so, in review-- this is what i would like you to do:

chalk keirin cut all over the bloody place on the ToC route!  this can be done the day before, while you are pre-riding one of the stages for fun, or while you are biking out to watch.  bring lots of chalk.  and please make it very big and bold!  in fact, please use your creative license.  i am not particularly artistic, but i think that some really awesome chalking could show up all over.  and take pictures!

and please remember how keirin is spelt.  kEIrin.  and while we are at it, please remember the correct pronunciation: "kay-reen"  (i am pointing this out specifically so michiko doesn't have a shit fit when she sees it mis-spelled and mis-pronounced on versus 1,000 times)

now, like i said, please CHALK the road.  i know-- what if it rains?!?!  disaster. spray paint is not an option i endorse, as spray painting roads is illegal and even graffiti with a worthy cause is vandalism and i always respect the law.  but if you are going to take gueirrilla marketing into your own hands, be sure to protect yourself by being sneaky. let me instruct.

 so back in my crazy anarchist days - like the rockin' G8 summit protesting in brunswick, georgia-- i learned that if you put a hanky over your face, no one will know who you are.  (actually, i never really put a hanky over my face...only the cool protesters did that.  instead, i have a big file with glamor shots of me being stored in the pentagon somewhere.) anyway, hankies protect against anonymity, but also tear gas and spray paint fumes.  and if you really wanted to hide the evidence, wear gloves so you don't end up with spray painted fingers.

don't have a hanky?  use this most excellent method of a paper bag over your head.  but, be sure to cut out eye holes.

thanks very much for you help on this matter.  i think with a lot of collective harassment, we can get me some R&R keirin cut jeans.  and, please take PICTURES of your work.  they can be emailed to me at  and i will post them on my blog.  

thanks for your help!

and, i wanted to chronicle my keirin cut posts-- so if you would like to review how hard i have been working to get michael ball to make me some jeans, please see below:   

Monday, February 09, 2009

the power of delusions

so sometimes late at night i lie in bed and begin day dreaming about normal things, namely: boys...

but most of the time i lie in bed indulgently daydreaming in some completely ridiculous delusions of grandeur about, well, pretty much anything.

my night time delusions of grandeur know no limits. (and let's be honest, they aren't really limited to night time...) in fifth grade it was how i was going to be a bad ass saxophone player like lisa simpson. in seventh grade it was how i was going to be a bad ass saxophone player like charlie parker. and when i finally figured out i sucked at jazz cause i could never master the "growl" and my improv was pretty laaame...... i day dreamed about being a badass saxophone player like claude debussy-- cause "badass" is definitely the adjective one should use for classical saxophone-- really cool.

my delusions have crossed many genres--sports (from soccer, to running, to biking...and even to sports i have never tried like speed skating or roller derby); humanitarian efforts; fundraising campaigns; and other stupid shit ideas that knows no category. of course some of my delusions are realistic: like becoming secretary of health and human services in 2036.

and, to my credit, some of my delusions have actually come into fruition- like when i was doing americorps and raised $600 by buying "promotional not-for-sale" Oral-B toothbrushes that UCSF illegally sells in the student store for 49 cents, and re-sold hundreds of them for $2. i suppose a handful of my other delusions actually played out into something useful. but those are the rare exceptions. mostly, they are just delusions that take place while trying to fall asleep or staring out of the window of the 38L bus.

discussing delusions of grandeur is something one should not talk about in public, in fear of having people think you are for real a megalomaniac. in fact, sometimes i like to play self-diagnosis-internet-psychiatrist to see how messed up i really am. and, needless to say, when the words: "narcissistic grandiose fantasy" pop up, it isn't exactly a self-esteem booster...unlike the actual fantasy, which is a self-esteem booster. (at least temporarily)

but, yes, i know everyone day dreams and has these little delusions (although, of course, some people like to call them "dreams" or "goals" because they are more optimistic than me). delusions are frequently floating around; however, i always feel i must keep them hush hush, because, well....hmmmm, i believe "narcissistic grandiose fantasy" speaks for itself.

yet here i am discussing how in fact i might be a "megalomaniac" on a public forum, when usually this is a very hush hush matter. but, oddly enough, my blog doesn't feel like a very public forum. i mean, right now i am just holing myself up in my room as both of my roommates are sexing it up (hi mom!) in order to kill some time before i go to sleep and get up and ride my bike and go to work and blah blah blah. and, of course, i know my blog is a very public forum, as i see how many people read this thing every day. and i see how people i don't even know talk to me like they know everything about me. which, maybe they do, cause maybe there isn't too much to know.

but i suppose i had a point when i started this post and it was something along the lines about delusions of grandeur.

oh yes, how having this blog has really let me carry out my delusions of grandeur to a new level. take for instance my delusion of grandeur that started during track practice (i.e. running track) when i was in 10th grade. that is when i came up with my idea of "AG JEANS"- which i called jeans with big quads and small waist, for Athletic Girls. (get it?) it was not so much a delusion at that time, but something i would joke about with my teammates in the locker room. and now, many many years later i revived my jean idea (this time "keirin cut") as a joke for some blog material, and thought i'd do some healthy teasing of michael ball, because that seemed to be the flavor of the month in the cycling print media. and then my blog got linked and thousands of people started reading it and people are telling me to make t-shirts and i start corresponding with the PR guy from rock racing and blah blah blah. and, my jeans are still not made and nothing has changed. but truly, the internet is a very powerful thing, as it can truly allow delusions of grandeur to go to a new level. cause now i actually think i have a small chance of getting some free big-quaded jeans out of the deal, while in 10th grade it was just a locker room joke.

and, you see, such delusions are able to multiply in your mind when you get this in your inbox:

isn't pete billington amazing? doesn't that look real? (those are not real jeans, by the way. pete is a badass graphic designer.) and it is things like this that make me sort of believe in the power of delusions.

of course, for the power of delusion to reach a point of reality-- assistance and buy-in is necessary. and of course i have spent some time fantasizing about a most excellent plan to motivate such buy-in for the ToC (which readers must wait until tomorrow night to hear about). of course such fantasies about my plan for the ToC are just delusions requiring the buy-in from many strangers, as my delusion will require many people all across the state of california to help out. and getting others to indulge in my delusions is not to be expected. after all, everyone has their own delusions that take up due time. but then sometimes you get some unexpected graphic in your inbox, which make me believe in my delusions a little bit more.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

michael ball....cherry pie

so when you see a guy with hair gel and shades driving by in a car that looks like the one on the left (...especially when you swear to god you saw someone with a rock racing shirt jump in about 25m earlier), what is your natural reaction?

well, i don't know about you... but i jumped off my trainer faster than i ever accomplished any cyclocross dismount, scurried in my cleats chasing down the car as it drove away, and knocked on the driver side window.

the dude totally looked like michael ball.  but
 it wasn't.  but i was still hoping he might be affiliated in some way.  but in retrospect, i don't think they were.

i mean, the car was leaving the race....  which means they were leaving from either the cat3 or cat4 men's field.  and last i checked, i don't think they are sporting a cat4 men's team.  ....but i *swear* some dude jumped in the car with a rockracing shirt.....

so when i asked the driver: "are you michael ball?" i could see t
he dude with hair gel thought i was crazy, along with the 3 other passengers.

but that doesn't stop me. 

especially because i still thought they might have some mball connection...given the shirt i saw (or think i saw.)

i continued my pitch of keirin cut jeans....asked about how to better get in contact with michael ball...asked about riding me in their team car for the ToC.... and then the smart alec in the back seat told me to email him.  so of course i asked what email to use and he said: ""

and that is when i knew these guys were just fucking with me.

" is not a legit email; it bounces back," i replied, "as does michael.ball@rockracing and michaelball@rockracing, [one word].  i am really looking to get in touch with him! i really need some new jeans!"  then i got some weird looks and they drove off.

so mr. ball, if those were some of your cat 3 or 4 racers, let me tell you, they are not very friendly to fans.  and if you all were just some douchebags riding a pimped out car- don't think you are better than some michael ball stalker, because i promise a lot more people like me than you.  (and now everyone knows what car you drive.)

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

rock racing, 5 questions & michael ball CHALLENGE

hi sean!

aren't you excited for the Tour of California?! I AM!

will i finally get to meet you? i hope so! i want to come to santa rosa to see my girlfriends all race the crit there. (i guess i will stick around for the men's "pro-tour" finish too). i will have all my girlfriends come to the RR tent-- but please note that all of them will be wearing their racing spandex or sweatpants, because NO ONE CAN FIND JEANS THAT FIT OUR MASSIVE QUADS!

so. some questions/propositions for you relating to the tour of cali:

  1. will i get to meet michael ball?
  2. will he bring me a free pair of jeans that fit me?
  3. or, because "2" isn't possible, will he measure me and make me my own special pair of keirin cuts for the future? (i can bring a tape measure)
  4. will you let me ride in the team car on saturday? please please please please please! i am excellent company and can do a bottle feed like no one's business. i am also an A+ heckler and will be sure to give some real encouragment to your riders. this will also offer me some time to sell my keirin cut idea.
  5. LASTLY-- i CHALLENGE michael ball to goldsprints! so, you might not have heard of this.... but these are these stationary roller racers for 500m or about 20 seconds. they are very fun and a total crazy atmosphere with lots of hipsters screaming in your face. they are doing them sunday in santa rosa -- and i would like nothing more than to take a few minutes of michael ball's time to roller race against him.
i would like to place a bet:
  • if I win, michael ball will make me a custom pair of KEIRIN CUT jeans.
  • if he wins, i will not sue him for copyright violation when he makes a fortune off of my idea.
regardless, this is an awesome PR opportunity. you can see the cycling news article now: "michael ball loses to big-quaded girl in roller race." (i say lose, because i like to talk shit.)
okay, sean, let me know! this could be lots of fun!!!