Wednesday, February 25, 2009

velonews fail-- zabriskies' muses

can't velonews think a little bit more of dave zabriskie? reporting such lies amongst his stolen goods such as: "7 Marvel sideshow statues ($11,000) "
According to police, the Marvel sideshow statues are distinctive in that they
stand two- to three feet tall and are very heavy. The stolen statues were
of: "Hellboy" pistol figure, "Ash" Army of Darkness, "Tomb Raider" Lara Croft,
"The Punisher," Alien," "Ironman" Limited Edition, and a "Gears of War
character."

what was a lie? that they were stolen? that they were valued at $11,000. no. that they were marvel.

we all know zabriskie loves some marvel comics after his captain america-esque skinsuit. but to think that his superhero tastes only extend to the largest mutant brandname?
please, velonews.

give zabriskie a little bit more credit than that! do you really think that the only motivation zabriskie draws from when hunched over in that crazy aero position are some standard x-men or fantastic four characters? no. zabriskie's mind extends well past these obvious superheros into some more obscure mutant charcters.

in fact, only two -- less than 30 percent -- of those statues were marvel characters.
but who are these characters? who is the muse behind zabriskie's speed. lucky for you, beth bikes will save the day.
i asked my most excellent (and comic book dork - xoxo) brother to offer some insights on zabriskie's figurines. thank you very much to my brother for this information and commentary, who claims to have compiled all this without referencing the internet. sorry girls, he's married. thanks very much to my own blood for guest blogging on some important information.

1. "Hellboy" pistol figurine

Hellboy is a character and comic created by Mike Mignola, originally a Portland Native, and published by Miwaukie Oregon company Dark Horse Comics. Guillermo De Toro has directed two movies about the character, starring Ron Perlmen in the title role. Del Toro is now directing the Hobbit, meaning the next Hellboy movie will be in about 10 years.

Hellboy was the creation of a Nazi occult plot in the waning days of WWII to deliver a super weapon to the aid of the Reich. The result was a baby demon. Raised by the American army. Hellboy is an agent of the Government and shoots overlarge weaponry at demons and monsters of all kinds, protecting us from "Things that go Bump in the Night."

Hellboy likes kittens, chocolate, and TV.

note: NOT a marvel comic book! this is published by darkhorse comics.

2. "Ash" Army of Darkness

Ash is the main character from the Evildead movies, directed by Sam Raimi (Spider Man), and is played by Ashland, Oregon native Bruce Campbell. Ash had his arm infected by Deadites from the book of all evil: The Necronomicon. He is best known for his multiple one-liners from the movie Army of Darkness, easily one of the best cult 
all time. Favorites include: "Come get some." "First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me." "Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store." and "Who's with me!"

note: NOT a marvel comic! this is published by darkhorse comics!

3. "Tomb Raider" Lara Croft

A great first person video game followed up by 8-9 awful sequels. Game play was first person, with an Indiana Jones type feel. Go into Tomb, get treasure, alien artifact, escape, etc. Best known for gratuitous 
computer animation of female lead character, Lara Croft, that made Rob Liefeld look like a realist.

Terrible movie series starred Angelina Jolie as the title character: Lara Croft.

note: NOT a marvel comic! this video game was designed by core design and published by eidos interactive.

4. "The Punisher"

Marvel comic character, a.k.a. Frank Castle. Ex Vietnam green beret who returned from war to see his family gunned down by the mob. Became a lethal vigilante killing criminals. Inspired by DeathWish series of movies. Wears a black T-Shirt, with a stylized skull print.
3 origin movies. All terrible.

I hate this character. I really hate this character.

note: finally a marvel comic book character.

5. "Alien"
[beth] there really is no alien named "alien" in marvel comics. my brother believes instead that zabriskie had a statue from one of the alien movies? if someone has further information here, please discuss. [end]

Game over man! Game over!

Sci-Fi series of movies directed by multiple directors: Alien, Aliens, Alien^3, Alien Resurrection... All very different thematically. The movies star Sigourney Weaver at her very best fighting to regain her humanity at the hand of these lethal aliens, and government agents trying to use the aliens as weapons. (Drop aliens on planet, let aliens kill everyone on planet.)

Ridley Scott directed Alien, which is more of a horror movie in space. James Cameron directed Aliens, which is more of an Action movie (But really well done. Look for Bill Paxton overacting to the extreme in a small role that builds off his work in the original Terminator)

note: not a marvel character, obviously

6. "Iroman"
Captured by a warlord in East Asia, Tony Stark was held captive while some wartime sharpernal was working its way into his heart. Physicist friend made him an iron suit to keep him alive. Joined the Avengers when he came back to the states.
Also an MIT Alum. :)
Made into motion picture. One of the 10 best movies of 2008. Easier to find on DVD than explain here.
note: yes, finally one other marvel comic. that makes two.

7. "Gears of War"

Video game series. Not terribly familiar, believe it's a variant FPS with a plot revolving around Bionic supersoldiers retiring/ saving the world one last time. Last FPS I got involved with was Duke Nukem 3-D. I think they are making this into a DC comic?

note: NOT a marvel comic, turning into a DC comic - marvel's arch rival!
~~~~~
so there we have it. only two of those statues were actually based on marvel comic characters. the rest a slew of video games and independent comic publishers (and perhaps a motion picture).
but what can you expect from velonews. it is totally a bunch of dumb jocks writing articles devoid of real-world knowledge. and that is why you all read my blog.

13 comments:

Garrett Lau said...

I, too, was disappointed that the statues were called "Marvel," but you can't fault VeloNews. They were just quoting the police report.

beth said...

garrett, i wrote that post for you. i know you'd be the only one who appreciates it.

phipps said...

Thanks for clearing that up!

Bruce Campbell is a crackup in the Evildead movies and in Burn Notice.

Garrett Lau said...

Thanks. You can let the ladies know that I'm single. ;-)

Amy said...

Boy, Beth, that comic book nerd of a brother of yours is Awesome! His knowledge and humor are staggering. I bet he is rockin' hot too! What a lucky woman must be married to him!

CyclistRick said...

Thanks to you and your bro for the comic character education.

I would not attribute the look and feel of 'Tomb Raider' as much to the Indiana Jones movies, but more to some of the computer games of my era, starting with the original 'adventure' (text only) and its progenitors, mostly the Zork series.

norcalcyclingnews.com said...

Garrett is so hot

... and, just to show that the word verification thingie works on themes of post ...

it's "regurker" this time.

word up.

fiber optic cable said...

Cyclist Rick:

Have to disagree. There are dozens of adventure/archeologist type video games out there. Most of which are derivative of Indiana Jones and the old serials.

Tomb Raider's the one with the hot chick.

Blah.

Zork is more of a Fantasy/LotR/D+D type of game.

linebrake said...

since we're being picky, your picture of alien is actually predator. also an alien, but not *the* alien. i think they dropped an 'alien vs. predator' collabo together though...

not single, sorry ladies...

Merkeley Bike said...

Cigars, Hell Boy also likes cigars.

Just to be clear and all.

Jim said...

Best... post... ever.

Garrett Lau said...

Actually, the alien in the photo is a "PredAlien," an alien/predator hybrid from the movie "Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem." There's no telling whether the stolen statue was an alien, a predator, or a PredAlien, since Sideshow makes all three.

viagra online said...

Tomb Raider without doubts has been the video game most impacting video game in my childhood memories. I loved to play it.