Sunday, December 20, 2009

hair cutting gone wrong...again

so last year at christmas i went home with ratty hair. i also had a pretty rockin' acne breakout, so you could have easily mistaken my 2008 christmas pictures with the fam, from ones when i was sixteen.

so i made two promises to myself. one, i was going to clear up my acne. that was my new years resolution. i think it was the only resolution i have ever followed. my friend mai-stella's friend, dan kerns, started some acne company-- where he has the three step REGIMEN. so i started it and followed it religiously. i love dan kerns. you can watch his cute little videos about how to wash your face and stuff. anyway, it worked! my skin was looking like a non-adolecent until this fall time, where i took a little backtrack because of some stupid i.u.d. (hi mom!) my second promise was to get my hair cut before i go home, so i don't look like a ragamuffin. which (hair) is the topic of this post, not my acne.

so i go to the hair dresser and say: "i want my hair length between my SHOULDERS and my CHIN, so i can put it in a PONYTAIL. and, yeah, you can make it look cute with some layers if you like." i am not too picky. i feel like we had an understanding. she pointed to the length of my hair. then, you know how it goes. she asks me when the last time i got my hair cut was, and i say: in july i cut it myself. (i left off the part about how i just chopped my pigtails off, so it was all crooked...) and instead said: "i cut my hair about twice a year."

so maybe she took that small talk as liberty to cut a little more than our initial agreement. she started in the back and i could tell something was going terribly wrong. but i felt funny interrupting her so i just sat silently knowing it was going to be bad.

and it was.

i mean, it didn't look that bad. kind of bowl cuttish. ya know, CHEEK BONE length. i was definitely going to rocking the bike helmet mullet, i could tell. and i knew i'd look dumb for the xmas pictures again. i guess the only good thing that i can say about it, is that it was going to require the use of hair gel. and there was a period of my life, while i was residing in the eastern bloc, that i got a little bit into hair gel. like re-apply a few times a day, into hair gel. like, crunchy hair, into hair gel. and i could dig that again.

but, the hair cut is totally impractical. no ponytail. i can't even two little ponytails. so come monday, i am going to put my helmet on, bike to work, and be stuck with sweaty, matted down, weirdly cut helmet hair at work all day. with things flying up all over. and i won't even be able to put it in a ponytail to hide my sweaty yucky hair. and i don't really know how going to the gym is going to work, cause i can't put it back, and the hair just flops around in my eyeballs and is going to be a pain in the ass jumping rope. i think i am going to need to get a sweat band or something, but that won't help that flop in the back, so maybe a swim cap is a better idea.

despite all this, i was trying to be optimistic about the hair cut. until i woke up this morning. "this hairdo will be easy, you won't have to do anything to it" hair dresser lady says. bullshit. i should have rolled out of bed and went right back to the hair place in my pjs and ask her what does she mean by "not do anything."

so i did what any logical person would do.

i got scissors out of my bottom drawer and took matters into my hands.

i tried to "thin it out" by doing that flutter cut you see people do. i think i got the hang of it eventually, but cut some chunks in my hair a few times by accident. oh well. i thinned out a lot of hair. the trash can was pretty full. then my hand got tired, so i stopped. except i only cut the left side, so now i have two different haircuts on each side of my head.

it's super post-modern.

so, in conclusion, i decided i am just going to wear my helmet all the time. my boyfriend just got me a new helmet. except i am not wearing it-- except when he is around-- because i don't want to ruin the new one. so i am just going to wear my old helmet all the time. you never know what is going to happen in a cubicle. the building hasn't been seismic retrofitted yet, so i can just pull that card for the next few months until my hair gets to be ponytail length again.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"It used to be that computer viruses attacked only your hard drive. Now they attack your dignity"

that quote, my friends was in today's front page article of the new york times.

Malicious programs are rampaging through Web sites like Facebook and Twitter, spreading themselves by taking over people’s accounts and sending out messages to all of their friends and followers. The result is that people are inadvertently telling their co-workers and loved ones how to raise their I.Q.’s or make money instantly, or urging them to watch an awesome new video in which they star.

“I wonder what people are thinking of me right now?” said Matt Marquess, an employee at a public relations firm in San Francisco whose Twitter account was recently hijacked, showering his followers with messages that appeared to offer a $500 gift card to Victoria’s Secret.

really? is this the crappy example that the new york times finds?

i can do much better.

so my facebook account got hacked last week and i was sending people chats about this awesome new diet program i am on.

but, the real embarssing one was this one:

"75% of girls are bisexual. are you into 23yr old girls into cumming?"

apparently that is what i was chatting with folks about on facebook. only two people told me about this.

  1. my friend andy from minnesota who just got married. in fact him and his wife were staying at my place when they got engaged this spring. talk about embarrassing, when you get a chat that says something: "so you sent me kind of a weird message the other day..."
  2. or how about that i also sent this to adam duvendeck, ya know like the olympian. so i never actually really had a conversation with him...other than saying hi in passing. but he was nice enough to respond-- not cause he is into 23 yr old girls cumming-- but because he told me he wanted to tell me i was hacked.
now, after reading the nytimes article, i realized i didn't take the appropriate action. nytimes instructs:
After discovering their accounts have been seized, victims typically renounce the unauthorized messages publicly, apologizing for inadvertently bombarding their friends. These messages — one might call them Tweets of shame — convey a distinct mix of guilt, regret and embarrassment.
yeah, i didn't do this. i mean, i just thought i'd let it slide. who knows, maybe my facebook account is still sending out these chats. guilt, regret, embarassment? well, i just kind of thought it was funny.

anyway, point of this is not about my hacking... but come on new york times! is this best example you can dig up for your article "embarrassing" hacking about about telling your friends how to up their iq ... or getting a $500 coupon for victoria secret...? i could have provided a much more interesting antecdote.

but may it is that your editor just won't let you write 'cumming' in news print.

thankfully, i can write whatever i want on my blog. (hi mom!)

Friday, December 11, 2009

stolen idea

(citation: brian peterson)

so as many trackies have heard, the pursuit and points race have been eliminated from the olympics. i will save the political analysis of such a decision, because my blog is not a source of useful information, nor a statement on cycling politics. snore. let's just say i think it is dumb.

upon the announcement yesterday, the olympics will instead hold the international omnium, or kind of like the pentathlon of cycling. five events, one day. excellent for people who succeed in mediocrity. like me. that is why i like the event. but, i also like the miss 'n out, and don't think that should have an olympic event. anyway, statement came out yesterday that they are thinking of making the five event omnium into a six event omnium.

now, anyone who has done the event, knows that that is pretty much a bitch slap to both the athletes and the promoter. poor promoters-- a six hour event suddenly turned larger. and poor athletes-- that is just cruel.

but this begs the question of what is the sixth event?

article says that they are adding a sixth to make it more 'endurance friendly'. omnium already has a points race, scratch race, and a pursuit-- so what would the sixth event be?

let's do some brainstorming. please pitch in the comment section.
  1. keirin- the omnium is rich on time trials-- having three. but only has two mass start races. it makes sense to add another mass start race, and of the "championship" events that the omnium /doesn't/ have, this seems to be the only one... minum match sprints, although that seems quite unlikely, given the already long nature of the day. however, because there is criticism that the omnium is already to sprinter focused with a 200m, kilo/500m, and scratch race-- this is pretty unlikely.
  2. another scratch or points race-- possible. but i think this would be pretty dumb to have the same event twice. it'd be like making decathletes do the mile twice.
thus, the events must be some more crowd pleaser track events.
  1. miss 'n out- of course this would be sweet. the loser would get an extra long rest for the next event and the winner would get no rest, but low points. it adds another element of strategy to the game.
  2. chariot race- jenny oh suggested this one & peterson commented whether or not you could bring your own beefy holder.
  3. tempo race or snowball- this would be a blast for all the competitors and a sure way to put the extra nail in the coffin
  4. unknown distance- it is my opinion that the 500m/kilo should be moved to the second to last race, and the unknown distance go last. that way, if it is close, the results of the olympic champion could depend entire on luck. what is more fair than that? me, i am pretty confident i'd become olympic champion by attacking just at the right moment, come around turn 4 to hear the bell ring and ride in solo for a first.
other thoughts?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

unum unum unum

so yesterday at work i had this mandatory 15 minute appointment, in which i had to meet with this "unum" rep. the previous week we had our employee benefits review, where we got told we are loosing some "floating holidays" and that our kaiser premiums are increasing (and some good news too, i won't be a total debbie downer). anyway, we also got told we were being offered to contribute to some life insurance policy, and we all had to meet with this "unum" rep, whether or not we wanted the life insurance.

if bethbikes dies by drowning in a pool of boiling snot -- which has always been my answer of the worst way to die, by the way -- i am sure people will be sad, but not because i am providing any monetary benefit to anyone. as my roommates can attest, i am kind of a suck-- as i eat their food sometimes. or, a lot of the time. so instead of signing up for a life insurance and giving them $20,000 upon my drowning in snot, i have opted to leave them in typical bethbikes style- high and dry with a bunch of clutter in my room, just toss my body in the bay, sans life insurance policy.

so we had to meet with this "unum" rep-- which is actually pretty fun to write and for some reason reminds me of "nuun"-- which i have never had this product, but i have 2 water bottles from them. one i got at FSA in seattle, which they let me steal when it started to rain, and they were desperately trying to get rid of stuff. i was stoked, cause i had few water bottles, and they were all moldy and nasty. the second nuun waterbottle i stole from jack linquist from LA. we were there for a race and i brought my cool nuun water bottle, and i guess it had rolled under a bench. when he tried to take "his" nuun bottle, i argued with him and said it was mine. and that i really need that water bottle. like real bad. and he let me take it. then i found mine, and now i have two. and jack has none. but he does have a piston on his calf, and i don't. so let's call it even.

anyway, we had to meet with unum rep-- to tell him we didn't want the life insurance policy. i sat down in the little room and the dude looked AWESOME. i liked him right away. he was a big guy in a suit. like almost a zoot suit. and had a purple hanky tucked in his pocket. he was no bullshit and told me right off the bat: "i don't care if you sign up, because i don't get paid on commission- so don't feel bad saying no. i'll just tell you what we offer."

he went through the life insurance policy and i did not not get it. then he said he was supposed to tell us about another benefit, and that no one in the office had signed up for it. i met with him at 5:30pm, and was the last for the day. it was called "accident coverage". he mentioned it thinking i'd just say no, and i'd sign a paper and he could go home. but i got excited and quickly said: "I GET IN TONS OF ACCIDENTS! TELL ME MORE!"

so he went on, giving me the "life can take a tumble" brochure, that detailed out the benefits you get when you have an accident. i questioned him, "but i have health insurance, why do i need this?" and he told me that the money is paid directly to me. that i can use it for out-of-pocket expenses, or to fix my bike, or to go out to dinner. so you send in your claim, and they send you a check directly. but he told me it doesn't cover suicide attempts... or violent crimes if i am the initiator of the violent crime-- like if i decide to rob someone on the street and end up shooting myself. well, he wasn't too sure on that example, but i told him i am very cautious about my safety when i mug people.

i started looking at the policy and was getting kind of ... well, excited.

$150 for going to the ER
$100 for a concussion
$25-400 for a laceration
$750 if you are admitted to the hospital.

shit, i barely had any accidents this year, and I could have collected well over $400 this year.

he told me the cost of purchasing this accident insurance, and it was $6 a pay period, or about $120 for the year. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

i can bet on a few things in life, but i think chances are pretty good i'll go to the ER. this is like really good gambling odds. like being the dealer. but my odds are even better than chance, cause i am a bad bike handler. is it wrong i am kind of hoping for a hospital admission, cause i could get like a grand out of that deal? yeah, it is. but you shouldn't lie about your feelings. so, don't feel bad if i eat pavement this year. it was probably on purpose cause i was trying to fund my disc wheel or something like that.

Friday, October 23, 2009

i love mail!

I think I started blogging about 2.5 to 3 years ago. The first few posts were actually back logged, cause I stupidly thought some things were very important to document.

Up until last December, I had no email linked to my blog, so people had no way of contacting me…except through the comments! (which I love- so thanks for commenting, it really makes it all worthwhile) The lack of email was intentional-- I was afraid of internet crazies, being new to blogging and online personas.

However, sometime last year, I figured I better get the so someone else didn’t co-opt my really creative internet persona. Some physical therapist in upstate new york had already taken the URL Whatever-- I wasn’t going to pay for a hosting address anyway, as, in my humble opinion, the quality of blog writing typically goes down when someone moves from blogspot to wordpress. (even though the pictures are usually a lot prettier, if that is your thing.) Anyway, point is, in December I intelligently secured the email address and would occasionally get an email. Like the one from Lionel, the French body builder included with an awesome picture.

But, let’s be honest. I only check the email address about once every month. And 99% of the emails are about increasing my penis size or doing electronic money transfers to Uganda.

Actually, in 6 months, I’ve only gotten 26 emails. And 7 of those were from people I actually knew, who must not have had my real email address.

The other day I checked my beth bikes email and thought I’d share a few.

First is from Simon, a new East Bay blogger. Welcome to blogging! Some say bike blogging is dead, but goonies never say die. I am re-invigorated on blogging after a summer-off hiatus. It is exponentially more fun than facebook, I promise!

Hey there, Beth Bikes
I've been working on a little bike blog out here in the East Bay, and after many sad reports saying I have zero viewers. (trunc.)

He just wants some readers, so please check him out. He seems like a nice guy because of his very polite and friendly email. Mostly though, I’d like you to check out his saddle sore post. It RULES and is quite helpful! Everyone knows I love this topic and have written some great posts on this. Here is an old favorite.

Simon sent this email on October 19th. It was quite serendipitous timing had I checked my email regularly. So about on Tuesday October 20th, my saddle sore had reached a point of extraordinary discomfort. I would give details about where it was, but let me just say I think I would have been a great picture display for a health class photo. Definitely the worst one I have ever had. I had my pap appointment on Wednesday and figured the gyn would get her panties all tied in a knot by the sore. But, I don’t even think she saw it. How that is possible, I don't know, cause it was *right there*. I guess sometimes they just stick you in those stirrups and look inside, making sure my uterus isn't titled or something, without noticing the elephant in the room. I wasn’t going to point it out to her, that's for sure. Anyway, Wednesday was a very uncomfortable day for me. It wasn’t so much hurting when I moved, but pretty much a mild pain all the time. Holy Jesus. But something great happened at work on Thursday and I think the bloody thing just popped, and now it is a pretty manageable saddle sore. Anyway, had I read Simon's extraordinarily useful post about lancing (see link above!), I most definitely would have taken some matters into my own hands. So this baby is getting bookmarked.Word.

Other mail? Well, like I said, I don't get much. There are the random quad emails. Mostly, probably, from people who google images ‘biggest quads.’

  • “I like your quads” – this is all that was said. Thank you for the compliment.
  • Or the one from Richard that said: “Huge fan! Are you still training your quads? Can I have a more recent pic showing them off?” – uhhh, yes I am still training them, no you can't have a picture.
  • Or all (sic: two) the nice people that linked me that BBC scientific article demonstrating that people with big quads over 60cm in girth are less likely to have diabetes! yay for big quads!

Lastly, there was the very heartfelt email from a woman who got bad road rash on her face and found my blog and wanted a recent picture of me to see my scars. I have kinda an ugly face sometimes, but I don’t think I have any scars, minus a droopy right lip, but I think that is mostly because a stitch was left inside because the guy who took them out was kind of senile. But we had a nice email exchange, nevertheless, about wound care, face scaring, and a general life peptalk. The internet is weird, huh?

I also occasionally get other subliminal messages… like refrigerator magnets that spell out “beth bikes sucks” when i took my blogging vacation…

some people can never be pleased. i started blogging again and what do i hear: your blog post was pretty long, you cant go into hiding for ever and then just give us readers the monster serving and expect us to take it.......our tolerance is down! whatever stern. you better drive me to the track tomorrow.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

kövér calves

so if it wasn't bad enough that i can't find jeans to fit my massive quads -- R.I.P. keirin cut dream -- apparently it is not only my quads that are too big.

a few weeks ago rubi posted some ORANGE & yellow (my two favorite colors) argyle knee socks on my facebook wall, with a note saying: "you need these." need is perhaps a strong word, but i clicked on the ebay link and they were only 99 cents with no shipping charges, so i figured i would bid. let me first say, that i have never really had much luck on ebay. being the closeted competitive type, i don't think anonymous auctioning is really a good thing for me. moreover, i kind of have maybe had a tendency to "bid" on multiples of the same thing, thinking-- oh, that won't win...and then having to buy both them. the time i bought two broken digital cameras. ....or the time i bought two old saddles that hurt my ass more than the old saddle from 1972 than fred gave me. well, i guess that only happened twice. but, those were my first (and only) two experiences on ebay and i decided that ebay and i weren't a good fit, and i laid off it.

that is, until rubi told me to buy these socks. yellow and orange. and knee high. those of you not from hellyer park velodrome might wonder why on earth someone would want knee high argyle socks. well, that reason would be the one the only maurice monge. known affectionately as mo-mo. maurice likes to race in these, and probably why his girlfriend rubi was looking through argyle knee socks on the internet. when she ran across these obnoxious ones, she thought of me.


so i bid on the socks. i put a maximum bid of $2.37, but i won them at 99 cents. i also saw some other socks the same seller had, and bought some low-cut argyle socks, also bid $2.37, and won those at $1.27, as someone else had bid, but I guess $1.26 was too much for her for socks.

a few days later I got the socks in the mail. the low-cut ones were very cute, and the knee highs were just as hideous as the pattern in the picture indicates. i immediately tried them on and couldn't get them over my gigantic ..... calves?

are we kidding here?

it's not just my quads? it's also my calves?!? i mean, they were socks. so they stretched. so i *could* get them on. but they kinda squeezed and there was a big bulge above the cuff that turned bright red, as i was getting circulation cut off to my lower leg.


i, however, cannot blame biking for this one. i blame freshman through senior year in high school where i got a little bit obsessed doing that stupid calf raise machine in the gym after track practice.

i would put a picture of me in the socks here, but both digital cameras "i won!" are broke.

i'd like to say this is a new problem. but it's not.

perhaps the most traumatic story about my calves dates back age twenty. i was in college and "studying a broad" for a semester in budapest. we took a week long class trip to transylvania. not the dracula part... but the "greater hungary" part of romania, cause there is a political party focused on reclaiming romanian land from pre-world war i (cause it all used to be hungary during the austria-hungarian empire). but, i digress. we spent our time in mostly one village and looked at a bunch of churches and tromped around the village killing chickens and chatting with romanian motorhead fans and watching 20 person wine harvesting parades and getting drunk off palinka and wine, but mostly palinka.

so one evening before the wine festival dance we went to kati neni's tiszta szoba. this translates to something like "fancy room" or is basically where a family keeps all their heirlooms and nice decorative things that have been passed down through the ages -- all the dowry stuffs. kati neni had some costumes...errrrrr, traditional decorative clothing, that she wanted us americans to try on. now there were only about 12 of us in that program- cause who really decides to study abroad in hungary anyway. i think we were 6 & 6 boys and girls and somehow i was the lucky girl who got volunteered for this to try on the girl outfit.

i didn't want to. trust me.

erzabeth made me. she was our coordinator. i tried to get krisztina or stephanie to do it, but i always give off the "little joiner" attitude so i won! of course.

so kati neni started putting on all these layers and layer and layers of clothes on me...petticoats and more petticoats. and there was a corset in the back and the thing was too small and i thought i was going to die. it was heavy. it was hot. it was tight! i was kinda short of breath. so, yeah, i definitely gained some weight over there on my dumpling, sour cream, and beer diet- but these outfits are meant for 13 year olds!

so although it was all a bit uncomfortable, everything fit well enough. until the boots. they wouldn't go over my calves. not even close. and then kati neni started making fun of me. "kövér kövér.... kislány kövér" (fat, fat, fat girl). she went on and on, but my hungarian was spotty at best. i'm sure other people who were better at the language understood her jeers, but i did not, and it was probably for the best.

now, the connotation of kövér in hungarian isn't really so nice. plump, portly, corpulent. ...and i guess it was a bit of a soft spot, cause i had gained a lot of weight because of the sour cream, dumpling, and beer diet. and also, i cracked my knee cap running the 2nd week there and couldn't run or really do anything physical and was waiting to have surgery.

but, nevertheless, i can definitely take people making fun of me. but it was a bit different having a little old hungarian lady making fun of me in front of all of my classmates...when i was dressed like a fool...then, all of them starting to make fun of me. add that to the above paragraph, and i wasn't really laughing with them on the inside.

too make matters worse, she pulled out the men's boots. but i don't really think they were men's boots. i think they were teenage boys boots. they didn't fit either.

and everyone laughed louder and louder. kövér kövér kövér kövér kövér

and i couldn't really breath and was really hot and all those beads were actually kind of heavy and i really wanted to start crying and curl up in the fetal position and feel sorry for my kövér fat self who got fat on dumplings and sour cream, but couldn't really cause crying over being kövér would not only be super pathetic, but also really rude, cause kati neni was very nice for having us in her house and showing us her tiszta szoba and letting us try on her clothes. i knew that. i just didn't want to be the one trying them on.

so kati neni got out another pair of men's boots and i put those on, and they fit my calves, but not my feet cause i have fairly small feet. size 7. or 38 biking shoes.

they let me take off my clothes and we went to the wine festival, which felt like a junior high dance. except all the boys got to wear jeans and motorhead tshirts and the girls had to wear kati neni type dresses. then my boy space friends and i ducked out and went to the one bar in town. and they knew i felt bad so bought me too much palinka. aand i drunk away my kövérness on cheap distilled pear liquor that cost 20 cents a shot and smoked cigarettes and drank more palinka. and then i blacked out and apparently puked all over kati neni's chicken coup at 3am or something. which demonstrates i am a good, respectful american tourist.

here is me and kati neni

so yesterday i went on a long bike ride and was really lazy when i came home and started for 3 minutes to go through my pile of papers and came across a business card (from the argyle sock guy) and somehow ended up on ebay again (bad idea!) looking at all his socks.

i mean, it was a *good* deal.

for real here, i don't really understand what makes "athletic socks" athletic socks. biking socks, biking socks. running socks, running socks. in my humble opinion it is all a bunch of malarky about "breathable" and "elastic form fitting" so someone can go and charge $4, $5, $6/pair for some sweatshop labor. my socks were probably sweatshop labor too, but i take some solace knowing that they were only marked up 100%, as opposed to 400%, 500%, or 600%.

so, in my post-ride, lazy state, i went on ebay--which i swore off given my stupidity with it in the past--i started looking at socks. oh those are nice for work. those are nice for biking. martini glasses & olives? my sister-in-love will love these for christmas. lemons? maybe that will give my roommate a hint that she should make her lemon pound cake more often. jesus saves socks? my mom will love those!

so i bid on....uhhhhhh..... 22 pairs of socks.

really, i don't blame ebay so much as mozilla firefox for creating web browsers that let you open up 20 plus tabs in one browser, which creates problems for me in multiple areas of professional and personal life, because you can research endlessly without actually reading anything, with minimal clutter on your computer screen.

my decision making process for maximum bidding was really high tech. $1.47 if i kinda liked them. $1.87 if i really liked them. and $1.07 if i could take them or leave them. i figured i'd win 7 or 8 pairs.

...or 20...

really?! i WON them all but 2?!

and so we learn again.

i got most them all for 99cents. and so somehow i just spent $21.23 on--- twenty friggin' pairs of socks.

at least i got a headstart on christmas. so, MOM IF YOU ARE READING: DON'T GET ME SOCKS FOR CHRISTMAS! underwear, okay i suppose, but socks: no.

so, if any of you are looking for socks, i highly suggest the dean clark store in san francisco. he ships free on ebay. has a 99.9% customer satisfaction rate. and you will probably be able to get any sock you want for less than a dollar, shipping included. we're talking women's low cut socks, women's low cut argyles, terry cloth socks, and if you like to pretend you are in jr. high school again, toe socks.

as for the knee high socks you might want to lay off unless you have calves like kati neni. i mean, i guess you will only waste 99 cents, but if they don't fit, we don't have 30 cents shots and your neighbors might care a little bit more than the chickens did.

Monday, October 12, 2009


so the following conversation kind of makes you feel stupid...
me: well, i kinda got hit by a car on tuesday.
them: oh no, are you okay? what happened?
me: well, actually, i kind of hit the car.
them: oh... [with the dumbass look on them]
so maybe the car was backing out of a driveway...
or maybe the car was turning into a driveway...
or maybe the car was just sitting half in the driveway and the shoulder for quite awhile, and i neglected to notice the BIG RED TRUCK right in front of my face...

either way, i did not notice it and t-boned that baby.

so, yeah, the dumbass looks are totally justified in my opinion.

this experience taught me a couple of do nots, both as a motorist and biker.

DO NOT- for motorist:
-look at the dent in your car that bike made, when girl is crying hysterically on sidewalk.
-continue to tell the girl she is "okay" when she is crying hysterically and cannot talk.

DO NOT- for biker:
-change a flat tire and then break your CO2 cartridge, and then get the bright idea to still bike 5 more miles to work on a wobbly wheel, tire with 10psi, all whilst being uber-safe because you are still crying hysterically biking in four plus lanes of busy traffic.
-neglect to eat A LOT of food before going to the emergency room, because they will inevitably keep you there for 7 plus hours and not let you eat or drink, and then lot let you eat upon discharge because they might want you back the next day.

but you know what i did learn from the whole experience:
DO go to the ER with your single female roommate (not with a male), as i think it results not only in better care, but also i've determined the kaiser oakland ER is definitely the hotspot to pick up cute, sensitive medical professionals: dr boddle, dr davis, cute curly haired resident, dr amin, dr macy, sam the cute radiologist technician, that other cute radiologist technican, that other cute guy who took a little too much blood and had trouble finding my vein. jesus christ. maybe it was because i was feeling helpless or hit my head or something...but why aren't there more craigslist missed connections from the ER!?!?

fucking HIPAA.

[note to those concerned: no worries, i am okay. nothing wrong with me at all! ride on, baby.]

Friday, October 09, 2009

season's done-- tour de french fry

yes, i realize it perhaps might be slightly ironic that i decide to resume my blog after i missed writing about half my season... ya know:
-the glories of the american velodrome challenge (slash, i crashed)
-fun times at the alpenrose velodrome challenge (slash my niece who did the kiddie kilo was faster than me)
-my stella
r performance at the FSA grand prix mis
s 'n out (slash, the real highlight of that week was how i attend a bbq with jennie reed)
-getting my ass kicked at the ADT qualifi
er race (slash, how i stayed in a REALITY TV SHOW HOUSE!)
-getting heat stroke at state's (slas
h, that sucks)
-and perhaps some other hellyer fun times (slash, nope, no fun to be had at hellyer)

wow, i really missed out on some good blog posts. but i can't look back too much. last week was nationals. i guess it went pretty well. blah blah blah. i am kind of bored with talking about it. but, in case anyone is curious, i measured cristin walker's quads and she clocks in
at 61.75cm. whoa mama.....

billington and i had talked about our drive home from LA extensively over the week: we were going to do a taste test of fast food establishment french fries. a "tour de french f
ries" if you will. don't judge us. it was glorious.

*stop 1* -- carl's j

we were excited about the tour, but perhaps went off the gate a little fast. we ordered two types of fries at carl's jr. cause, well, they had two kinds on the menu. and we had to figure out which was the best. first we had the crisscross cut fries. we thought these would be good, but we a bit disappointed. they were a bit on the cold side. and not so crispy. overall flavor and salt was okay, but the tempature and mushy factor did not bode so well. i mean, we picked up some cream
y ranch sauce, which of course made it slide down okay, but they weren't like the chick fillet waffle fries or anything.

next, we had the regular cut fries. now people, carl's jr regular cut fries pretty much rock! they had the skins on, the salt level was perfect, they were a bit on the thick side (in a good way) and the crisp to potato ratio was right on. i was pretty happy with this french fry and wanted to order so
me more, but billington luckily stopped me.
thanks pete.

about 5 minutes later in the car, we both felt pretty ill. fuck, that was a lot of grease. i wasn't used to it. i got a bit delirious, but thankfully had my awesome CD case on me, so i popped in "best of en vogue" (...and by "best of" i mean, the album should have only been 5 so
ngs not 15...) and i forgot about my heart burn.

about 20 minutes later we saw a sign for a burger king. now, we both wanted to stop, cause we needed to continue the tour. and burger king establishments are hard to come by. however, we couldn't do it. so we continued on. 'no, you're never gonna get it....' except about an hour later we stopped again. 'time for a break down.'

*stop 2* -- in 'n out

of course we knew we'd like these. i mean, it's in 'n out! we got one fry and they were yummy. crispy, hot, thin cut. salt level was pretty good. however, it just wasn't what we thought it'd be. we were both shocked to say it, but we liked carl's jr better. regular cut, not the criss

at this point, we didn't feel so good. well, i felt better than pete cause he was dumb enough to get a milk shake. WTF!?!!?! we passed another sign for burger king, but kept driving. it wasn't going to happen. pete perhaps wasn't so much feeling the AC/DC at this moment, so i took him back to his washington youth and popped in the pearl job. then he told me a probably fake story about eddie vedder in a allyway.

at this point, i thought 3 was good enough for a tour. like a mini weekend stage race. i didn't really care to do any more than that. but, a few hours passed, i got hungry, and pete called me weak sauce, i was getting all sentimental rocking out to power ballads, so we pu
lled over for gas and got some more fries. we saw a wendy's but both concurred that wendy's fries suck and we didn't care to include them in tour, because we already knew we hated them. every rose does has it's thorn. (and that would wendy's.)

*stop 3* -- jack 'n the box

when i normally go to jack 'n the box...which is every tuesday and thursday and friday for lunch...i get the curly fries. but we didn't think curly fries were an appropriate barometer for measuring french fry taste testing. so we got the regular cut. and blech. they were nasty. they looked yummy. with the potato skin on, thicker cut. they almost looked like carl's jr fries. but they didn't taste like it. they just tasted like grease. soggy grease. i was quite disappointed i didn't get the jalapeno poppers instead.

*stop 5* -- mccdonald's

we immediately left jack 'n the box and drove straight to the mccdonald's drive threw. i mean, we felt like shit at this point, but we couldn't do a french fry tour without mccdonalds...cause they are kind of like the gold standard of french fries.

they were so-so. i'd say better than jack 'n the box, worse than carl's jr criss cross. they were also greasy and poorly salted, like jack 'n the box. but they were crispier and hot enough. just the overall flavor was bad. they would have been fine with ketchup, but a good fry needs to be good independent of dipping sauces.

and so, we didn't see a burger king, and popped in joshua tree and rocked out to with or without you, veering onto the 580 west. next time bk, next time.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

i'm famous... again

what can i say, it feels great to be on the front of another poster! although, i don't think these are printed up on the big paper with poster board, like those sweet alpenrose posters.

(that's me in front- that's right bitches, i do take a pull when the cameraman is around)

i took 8 of them. the alpenrose posters, that is. i plan to put them all across my cubicle subway style. mostly, cause my face is really gross looking in that poster, and it will scare people away from desk.

those posters were stored for a long time in portland, brought up to seattle in a jam-packed car, brought down to san jose. and now are (hopefully) waiting for me in someone's bike locker. i will be very sad if i lost those posters, considering i told everyone about them-- including mccook.

and you know what mccook said to me when i tried to tell him how famous i was? that they mentioned his name on versus during the TdF coverage. whatever. posters are forever.

next up: a tale of three is cities (in installments). that's right-- beth bikes! is back, baby!

Friday, July 03, 2009

visits and visitors

an avc post is in order... actually, 2 avc posts are in order, but that requires going through the oodles of pictures, and i don't have time for that.

well, that is a lie.

if there is one thing i do have, it is time.  i have had a ridiculous amount of time today and this week.  mostly, because i am not really riding my bike.  

apparently my little bounce on the concrete during the scratch race has somehow messed me up more than i thought, considering my left knee is about 1.5-2 times the size of my right knee, despite me giving myself freezer burn with the ice pack and getting a bit too frisky compressing with the ace bandage.

trying to make an appointment at kaiser is somewhat challenging.  despite trying to make an appointment for friday or monday, they tell you you have to go to the ER...and when you say: "it's not really an emergency, this happened 5 days ago" -- they coax you into going, saying: no, no. there is a minor injury clinic inside the's not really the ER.  but that is a lie.  there is no minor injury co-pay.  there is only an ER co-pay.  

i really wouldn't mind that so much, if there was actually a point in seeing the doctor.  but there wasn't a point.  unless you call that being scolded and patronized in the exam room.  i kinda wanted to tell the doctor-- who i don't even know his name, because he never bothered to introduced himself-- 'i have several people who i could have called to say shitty things about me, and i am sure they would have only charged $50'...but of course i didn't say that because i am a big pushover.

but what did i do when he left?  i cried like a baby in the exam room.  then i went home and called to make an appointment with an acupuncturist.  take that.   

so i wake up this morning and don't really feel like getting dressed...or brushing my hair...or i don't.  and then around 9:30 my doorbell rings. so i put my hoodie on over my tank top to look decent; i hobble down the stairs, hoping that it will take too long and the visitors will leave.  but they don't.

two middle age men stand at the door with the Awake! magazine.  


"excuse me, ma'am.  but can i interest you in a magazine on depression?"

"uh, no thanks" and i close the door.

i realize i look like shit, but isn't that a bit presumptuous? 

to be effective jehovah witnesses, those guys need to work on their delivery.

noon-time rolls around and it is time for my acupuncture appointment.  i have never been to acupuncture.  i am excited.  this week, i remembered we have a chiropractic/acupuncture employee benefit at work, that i have been apparently paying for since i started working at my job, but have yet to use.  so i decide to finally make an appointment.
i don't really know what i would expect going to acupuncture, but it definitely wasn't filling out no less than 12 pieces of paper asking my name, address, insurance #.... all with said: date: ____, _____  19____.

in the "lobby" he said: stick out your tongue.  so i did.  and he looked at it for .05 seconds.  then i told him i have "bursitis of the knee", and he took me to the back and stuck some needles in it after poking it and asking me where it hurt.  then he stuck some more in my shoulder and hand, after asking if those hurt, which they did, cause i fell there too.  then he left.  and i laid there. 

and laid there.

and, i laid there.

as i was laying, i was hoping the needles would hurt.  i discovered if you kinda moved around a bit, they would give you that nice pleasant pain, so i'd jiggle, but then even jiggling didn't make an ache.  and i felt gypped.  i wanted some pain.  i thought needles would give a nice mild pain sensation, but that wasn't the case.  i was bored, so, i listened to some woman in the next curtain over moan in quite a fashion, which made me feel like i was getting again gypped.  so instead i went to sleep, cause this was just a waste of time.

over an hour later, he came back.   he took out the needles and asked me if it felt better, and i just said yes, because i didn't want to say no, and then him make me lie there another hour.the coffee shop was close by, and that sounded much more appealing.  then he got some herbs in some nasty paste and slapped them on my knee and told me that this was going to reduce the swelling.  and they smelled really bad, but i didn't care so much, because i haven't showered for a few days anyway.  then he told me to come back on monday: "i'll call to schedule my follow-up appointment...."  yep.

and then i sat with smelly herbs on my knee for the majority of today, which i definitely don't think are doing anything....but at least the guy wasn't a prick.  

honestly, i am kind of regretting not taking that Awake! magazine from the Jehova's cause they don't even charge a copay.

Monday, June 29, 2009

i am on a poster!

lots of course to write about the AMERICAN VELODROME CHALLENGE...

but quickly-- look-- I am on the Alpenrose poster.

see, that is me sitting 2nd wheel with the proman jersey, red bike, green helmet, and pigtails.

i've never been on a poster before. how do i get one these in print?

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

do you ever wonder what motivates larry nolan?

we all know this face:

the open-mouthed, head-clocked to the side, pain face of larry nolan.

the question, is: do you ever wonder what motivates him? do you wonder what it is he listens to on his ipod to get into the zone?  or what little song he is singing to himself when he is hammering with his mouth open?

for those of us at the points racing tuesday, i think we found out.  

larry had quite an ...eclectic.... mix of music playing over the speakers.  and the two that summed up larry's pump up mix were:

#1. the theme song to the lion king

that's right-- just picture the beautiful scenery in that disney classic.  animals in the jungle, the panning out on the desert, and then-- boom, the music: AYYYYYYYYYYYYY  KEEEBEEEEENYAHHHHHHHHHH, BADAAAA  EEEEEEESSSSEEEEMMMMMOOOOOOOO.. [backround: bennnnn yay....ayyy ooo]  {repeat}  AYYYY   KEEEEBEEENYAHHHH,  BADAAAAEEESEEEE(a bit higher pitched here)EMMMOOOO, [background: Bennnyaayyyy oooooo]  enter: drum beats.  start chant:  ingeeeyammmma, ingeee ingeee anmmmma,  ingeeeyammma igeee ingeee ammaaa. 

of course, then the elton john chorus starts, but i like to think it is this dramatic opening act that the nolanator likes best.

#2. the electric slide

yes, i did say the electric slide.  can't see the nolanator doing the boooogiie wooogie woogie down?  well, to be honest, i can't quite picture it either.  but he must dig it, cause he didn't even have the traditional wedding song electric slide compilation on his pump-up mix.  it was definitely a cover or a toned-down, less twangy remix, or something of that nature.  and when you have that much love to find an off-the-beaten path musical compilation of "the electric slide"-- you know that someone must really love him some line dancing.

well, as for the actual points races-- i was just looking to get in a good workout, which i did.  i didn't really go for any sprints, except for the very last one of the last race...cause i figured, what the heck.  actually, some dude was just really pissing me off during the race, and i just wanted to dust him-- so i kinda accidently got a point on the last lap....  which moved me from an "and also" in the results to actually being on the score board with one point.  other than that, i followed some good attacks and made a good bridge or two, but nothing quite notable about my racing.

what was notable was my drive home.  i pulled some questionable passing maneuvers, but set a personal best on the "hellyer to home" drive, clocking 42 minutes.  that is bad ass.  trust me.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

girls rule, boys drool

so what's better than getting 2nd place?

well, getting 1st place.

.....but, what's next best?

getting 2nd place to a bunch of boys.

bahaha. sure, the field was a bit smaller than normal and many of the heavy hitters weren't there to beat up on me, but all in all, it was still a pretty solid day, so that is good.

this was the last "get ready for summer" race at the track promoted by rick adams. what a blast they have been! we started off with the keirin, and my goal was to *make it* to the finals. that didn't happen. but, i rode a really good first round, which i determine because i got 3rd in my heat of 6, and was right by 2nd place guy... this put me in the rep. our rep round was with 8 people, and i let myself get pushed around a bunch, and that stunk, so i didn't make it to the final. but at least i had an okay first we had the scratch race. someone was off the front for a long time, then we caught him, and then mateo made an attack with a few laps to go. he held it off for the win, just barely as sam had a very good last 2 laps. i was lucky to be in pretty good position the last couple of laps, and while i couldn't hang on sam's wheel, i did get on some davis guys wheel, who then i came around to get 3rd.....then was the miss 'n out. for some reason, i have been doing pretty good at this race recently, despite it originally being my worst race. it started off blisteringly fast, but then eased up, and i was sitting in good position, had to play the devil a couple of times, but made it thankfully to the last 3. i knew the guys who i were riding with were faster than me, so i was hoping i could take them long-- thinking they might be tired, so i jumped on the bell lap for a long lap sprint, and held them off-- so that was rad!

last up was the madison.

tim brennan was my partner for the race. i got us the awesome polka dotted jerseys for us-- and asked him what our team name was....which he replied: team beth? i said that wasn't okay, cause that is reserved for me and welliver. so i decided i'd call us: team shit-talkers, cause that is pretty much was do with tim-- threaten him and tell him how i am going to beat tim in the keirin.... although i never do, that doesn't stop me from shit-talking.

we did a couple of madison throws for practice and then were ready to rock 'n roll.

i started off the race and was okay, then i threw him in, and that was fine, then he threw me in, and i was on some wheels still, and i come around and tim is just sittin' and chillin' at the wall, and i'm like, "tim!" so that means i have to go like another lap or something....and i am totally gassed out to begin with, and everyone else is exchanging, and then i pop off the back. so when i come through the next time, tim is going super slow at the rail, and i am feeling pretty damn desperate at this time and probably displayed my most ever agro-race persona: "TIM- GO FASTER! TIIIIIIM--- COME DOWN!!!!!" and probably yelled more. this of course happened right at the start-finish line, so everyone heard me scream at the top of my lungs at him, and i could hear matt and rick make fun of me on the microphone. he thankfully didn't forget anymore exchanges. however, we were off the back at that point, so we just exchanged cleanly and had fun. before the race rick told me that i was in 2nd place for the omnium, but was very close to first, if i beat sam in the madison. however, tim and i got last place. which was okay, cause although we sucked, we at least looked good with the polka dotted jerseys. so that was my sunday race.

saturday i also raced-- goldenstate criterium. well, to be honest, the race kinda sucked. sucked in the sense that is was crazy fast and i think we were single file for most of it, so if felt more like a 40 minute motopacing session, rather than a race where anything happened. there were only 12 of us and we averaged 25mph, which is pretty crazy. marley smith is pretty much an ox on wheels and really wouldn't let anyone else take a pull, as she just hammered away at the front. and she still won every preme and took the win! wow, it was so amazing! i was in good position into the last turn, on the inside, but had to tap my brakes cause i started to get pinched by someone. and then i guess i was in some stupid big gear, and everything felt slow-mo after i tapped by brakes, being in that stupid big gear, so i pretty much sucked and got 4th. more notable, though, was i got home and was so incredibly wiped-- i felt like such a big piece of shit, so i took a nap, and woke up feeling like more shit (if that was possible), and then i slept 10 hours last night. that crit really took it out of me, but i felt great this morning and happily could put in a good track race with the boys (and cece and ashley!) - so i am glad saturday didn't totally cook me, like i thought it did.

Friday, May 29, 2009


do you ever feel cheated? when you take the orange juice out of the refrigerator and all that pours out is a measly half inch of crappy pulp.

...or like when you find out your post-college boyfriend is cheating on you with a freshman.

...or like when you carry the trash down to the garage, only to find that your trash can is full from your neighbor and you have get your hands all nasty questionably squeezing things in.

i could go on-- obviously.  

but you know what i feel cheated about this week?  my quads.  i measured and they are at a pathetic 59cm.  what gives?

do you know what i've been doing to my quads lately? i have been squatting massing amounts of weights, i have been deadlifting like 165 pounds, i've been jumping up on boxes 38 inches high.  all this, and my quads are 59cm?!

totally bogus.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

hats and far west championship

we all rolled into socal with one goal in mind: hellyer clean up. i think between burger continental and the far west championships, we accomplished that.


i knew it was going to be an incredibly fun trip-- i mean, with the one, two punch of studley and maurice-- how couldn't it be?

hanan and ben arrived at my house friday morning, setting the tone for an amazing road trip, outfitted in some pretty absurd hats. hanan was so kind as to bring a whole bag of hat selections. i was given the wwi-type hat, affixed with ear flaps. we loaded the car and headed out on our way. the first gas-fill up stop was pretty awesome. not only did we make friends with someone else who had an incredible hat, but hanan and i also took in the amazing central valley scenery.

please observe awesome hat.

the rest of the car ride was extremely eventful, as we spent approximately 4 hours playing "shoot, fuck, or marry". yes, there were some amazing combination that led to thought provoking conversations. those, however, will be left within the pickup.

after arriving at steph's house, we found an amazing restaurant called burger continental. from the outside, you'd think it was just a burger place...but you walk in and you see the most amazing middle eastern salad bar, which comes with every huge proportioned meal. there wsa also a band that rocked the three level keyboard. and just when we didn't think it could get any better, the belly dancer came out! i am still in awe of how much food i ate that night. it was heroic. my rationale? stock piling for the next day.

the race:

let me just say-- the far west championship was awesome! alfred nash is not only a great organizer, but sweet announcer. we were super bummed by the crappy turnout. i don't know why more people wouldn't go to the race-- it ruled! our field size was only five, and then men's was 7 or 8. but those small fields didn't stop us from racing hard. it was an international omnium, which meant the events were a 200, scratch, 2k, points, 500-- and you tried to accumulate the least amount of points.

our field was comprised of hanan, me, jen reither - a woman who races with the nrc vanderkitten team, and two sprinter women, cj and shane who i met before. it was going to be some good racing.

i was pleasantly surprised by my 200m-13.37, cause it was a new track and i have been sprinting really slow recently. this time got me first.

hanan and i pretty much worked it over in the mass start events. in the scratch race, i attacked early and then hanan countered and stayed out there forever, as i was blocking for her. when we did catch, it was about 3-4 to go, and i countered and launched a big attack, staying away to the finish. at this point, i was the leader with two first places.

however, i was pretty nervous about the pursuit-- cause, i have no clue how to do these things. i only had done one other 2k (at last years international omnium) and have never practiced my pacing. i was the only one without aero bars for this event. the guy with pistols tatooed on his calves let me borrow his aero helmet. thanks! i just focused on not going out to hard and keeping it steady, then tried to pick it up the last three laps. it really helped having ben, maurice, hanan, and nole yell at me in all the turns. my time was a 2:51, which i don't really know how that is, but it got me 2nd in the pursuit. jen came in first with a 2:50. after i saw her time, i was super happy, cause she looked really fast when i was watching her! and i know she is legit, after i saw her bridge up to the break at the ToC crit this year.

before the points race, hanan was not the happiest camper and almost threw in the towel, as she was having some mechanical issues. she couldn't get her aero bars off her bike because of some compression nut problem, and all of our boys were racing their points race. no fear, we got the announcer to solicit some help, and we fixed hanan's bars. there was no way i was going let her punk out on racing when our field size was so pathetic. i was in pretty good shape to win the omnium at that point (with two firsts and a second), unless something crazy happened, so figured i'd try to move hanan up in her placings. points racing is pretty fun, when you are trying to get other people points. hanan, jen, and i got away from the field pretty early on. i spent the whole race pretty much riding jen up and down the track, so hanan could get a clean attack and get away for the sprint laps. it was pretty fun, but i don't think i made a friend in the process. hanan won that race and i got second, surprisingly considering i wasn't even paying attention to my points.

my 500m was start was not very good, and i felt pretty sluggish sprinting, but still had a 40.8, which i can't complain about after that long day. that was okay for 2nd in that event. so i got first overall, which was really cool-- cause i've had a plauge of second places this year!

the boys did equally as well-- (except for their 200m). ben won the omnium, with maurice in 3rd and nole in 4th. the crazy, thing, though, was how close it was. had nole gotten a couple places higher in an event, he would have been first. jimmy watkins got second place. he pretty much owned them in the 200m and the match sprints the boys decided to join. that was kind of cool to watch. nole and jimmy lapped the field in the scratch race. then in the points race, nole cleaned up and won it. ben and maurice got lots of 2nd and 3rds throughout the day to get them on the podium, while jimmy won three events and got near last in the 2k and points race. the guys' kilo times were all within hundreths of a second from each other. all in all, definitely a great day for hellyer!

here are our awesome podium shots. note the hats.

jen reither had a pretty awesome skirt. and i didn't even have to tell her it was "crazy hat" podium picture. she definitely gets awesome points in my book.

and there isn't much to say about this picture except gawk at maurice's hands.

the after party

so after we totally cleaned up at the omnium, we did what we had to do. go eat at burger continental. it was equally as awesome. maurice danced and showed up the belly dancer, which was pretty awesome. not to mention our totally rockin' waitress who told us a bar to go to.

i won't give too many details of the after party - because i can't really remember them - but i would just like to put in a plug for skins. even after a day of hard racing, if you go out to party-- you should definitely rock the skins under the skirt. in the dark of a bar, it kinda looks like that skirt and leggings look. i believe the skins allowed me to do crazy-ass dance moves, that otherwise would have been impossible. i know because hanan kept telling me: "wow! how do you move so fast!?!" i would like to say it is because of evenings at thursday's bar & lounge in akron, ohio. i may be the worst dancer in the world, but i do have mad heart. i even challenged some guys to a pushup contest on the dance floor, but of course, skins had nothing to do with that. the only downside of skins-- which they really should work on their technology-- is i had a crazy amount of drunken bruises the next day. oops.

conclusion to a weekend of champions

we went to pie & burger for breakfast, where maurice had the whole restaurant laughing in the elegant way he excused himself from the table to go to the bathroom. (read: did the splits over nole's head). then we began the journey home. for some dumbass reason, i had pre-reged for the memorial day crit on monday, and my motivation to do a stupid crit after such a fun weekend was pretty nominal. what can i say about memorial day crit? it was an excellent recovery ride.

and that is the conclusion to the weekend of the far west championship.  many thanks to my excellent travel companions! 

Thursday, May 21, 2009

press release

you may have seen this:
PROMAN Sends Hanan Alves Hyde and Christen King to Encino Far West Championships

Hanan Alves Hyde, winner of the 2008 Martinez Criterium and the 2007 Western Collegiate Championship Criterium, and Christen King, 2007 Scratch Race National Track Champion, have been named by the The PROMAN Women's Cycling Team as participants in the John Fitzpatrick and Dave Staub Memorial Far West Championships, to be held May 23rd & 24th at the Encino Velodrome.

Details about the John Fitzpatrick and Dave Staub Memorial Far West Championships are available at http://EncinoVelodrome.Org/FarWest
unfortunately, they edited out the next paragraphs. posting here for all those disgruntled by the popular press.....
Accompanying Alves-Hyde will be her roommate Ben Stern, driver of the yellow bus and owner of the only aero-helmet. This helmet will be shared by five people for three time trials each over the course of the weekend. (Yes, that is fifteen races in that hat, my friends) Accompanying Alves-Hyde and Stern in the yellow bus, will be Beth Newell. Alves-Hyde and Newell will be leg wrestling on Friday morning to determine who will be sitting bitch the entire six hours down to LA. Newell is also known for her world-famous quads and for beating Nole Studley during his first race at Hellyer velodrome back in July 2007. Studley will also be joining this crew and looks to clean up during the mass start races with his sausage-like physique. The final person to be traveling with Alves-Hyde, Stern, Newell, and Studley will be Maurice "twinkle toes" Monge. You may remember him from his stellar performance in the Nutcracker, or perhaps for how fast he is delivering pizza's on his bike. If not, then you surely remember him for his red spandex shorts, which he will hopefully be wearing for the Far West. Alves-Hyde, Monge, Newell, Stern, and Studley represent 90% of Hellyer's population between the ages of 20 and 30. And they look forward to some SoCal asswhooping to honor their elders this weekend, who will sadly not be accompanying them.

Friday, May 15, 2009

looking dopey

let's view some famous garrett lau action and glamor shots!

image 1: madison, fail.
here is karla throwing me in. brian peterson will not be happy because i am so far away from karla. sorry brian! also to observe is karla's amazing grimace. it is like she is throwing in 200lb person. and yes, garret is right, i do look kind dopey.

image 2: the madison "oh shit" shot
here is me throwing in karla. please observe my "oh shit" face.

image 3: miss 'n out miracleso this is apparently when there were 6 of us left in the race. as you can see i am sitting last place about 5m from the line. somehow i didn't get elimated, so that is why we are calling this the miss 'n out miracle shot.

image 4: the protypical garrett lau glamour shot
yes, this is the glamour shot without paying $29.95 at the mall. but somehow, yes, even i can look a bit dopey in a glamour shot.

and just in from garrett: "Also, the 'glamour shot' is a different aspect ratio than the original, so it makes your face look fat."


Thursday, May 14, 2009


well i completed my first madison today!

actually, that is only a half truth. i kinda sort did a madison with mary last year during the get ready for summer series, but i am not really counting that, because i was scared to death during that race and didn't actually take my hands off the bars once--so i d
on't think that counts.

it was a total blast. kingsley was my partner and it was an awesome person to duo with! i mean, of the 40 laps race... we maybe finished 35 laps... perhaps 30... but we didn't crash and didn't do anything sketch, so i would call that a success. in fact, karla even got a shout out by rick adams on the microphone, on how nicely she was passing over and catching a wheel.

it was super fun -- and i felt that with each exchange i was grimmicing and grunting more and more...however, i guess that is not the case.

garrett lau was there to take some pictures and he just told me: "In the madison, I got two sharp photos of your exchanges. In both of them, you have a dopey expression."

i guess even when i think i am making a cool face, i still look dopey.

here is a mosaic picture jenny oh took of us before the race. we are wearing the cheetah jersies. rick had this whole cool bag of whacky jersies for us to wear! they were so cool i want to wear them all the time.

i loved it! not much more else to say!

oh yeah, we did do other races....... let's see....

20lap points race- i was a *huge* sissy-- as i attempted to ride a big gear (well, 90" big for me!) and my butt hurt real bad and i felt so incredibly sluggish and couldn't turn it over at all. so i pulled out and switched it. scratch race- 88" made me much happier and i moved okay around the pack and contested the final sprint to get fourth...with mateo passing me right at the line. next time, gadget! miss n out- i hate this race, but have been doing better at it. stayed near the front riding wheels, played devil a few times when in bad spots and moved back up to the front. made it to the top 3, then wasn't aggressive enough in the last sprint, so got 3rd, but was happy with that. that race still stresses me out! snowball- never had done this, and i definitely made some major tactical errors, and only got three points... so not so good. don't know what i placed in the omnium, but i got a fourth and a third, so that has got to count for something and is better than normal for me.... to end off the night, we did the madison, which i already talked about. wow, five races-- wednesday nights just cram it all in!

i will post the pictures of me looking dopey when garrett uploads them this weekend. then you can all make fun of me.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

yay yay yay!

register now for this years american velodrome challenge! it is going to be *awesome*!

Registration is now open for Hellyer's American Velodrome Challenge, June 26-27. Registration for the 2009 AVC is first-come, first-serve.

This year's AVC has three races where cash prizes for each race is $1800 with $1000 going to the winner:
  • Peckham Memorial Men's Points Race
  • Concept Cyclery Women's Point Race
  • Montano Velo Men's Keirin.
The total cash prizes for the weekend is $14,475 with $6,600 for the men, $5,475 for the women, $1,400 for the master and an additional $1000 in the Madison.

To see race announcement:

Unfortunately, we really do have strict field limits. So register now.

Rick Adams

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

friday night fun is back

to say i was a tad stressed when i showed up is an understatement....was running late...and i was quite anxious about all the beginner women doing their races. bow bow track gods, everything went great and the women rode totally awesome. shit, i got tired mentoring they went so fast! the turnout was so big that they broke the beginner women's group into two. i think like 15 or 16 (out of 20) of the clinic women showed up-- along with some others-- so that was awesome. there were something like 22 women between the two beginner that definitely exceeded my expectations. but, i wasn't really surprised. i mean, track is so much fun! people naturally get hooked on it.

in the first group, leah ricci lead, every sprint in the points race, and most often held on for points. that girl is a power house and isn't afraid to take some mean risks and put her self out there--i am super excited to see her race this year. and loren uscilowski- the awesome tri-greek- is just going to put the hurt down all year, for sure. she rode awesome on friday night, winning the win 'n out-- and also awesome at the tuesday points race the week before. i think one of my favorite parts of the night was when morgan leigh (my o-town homegirl, who i've been trying to get out to the track a whole year now) totally went all out for a sprint in the win 'n out- when there was someone way up track. i gave her a cookie on the way home for that one. there are a ton of other strong notables, who i am pumped to see racing this year- alissa maglaty, kimi sudbrink, carol hockridge, lisa tepper....will be fun to see this group be duking it out all year for sure.

the second group was equally as awesome. it has been sweet seeing things come together so well for lala this year. the floodgate has opened full force and her sprint is totally something to be reckoned with. she laid down an awesome sprint at the wente crit, and was looking really good on friday night too. annabell got some of her SJBC women out there, which has been awesome to see. i also cannot be happier to see rubi ramirez racing-- it has been a real pleasure to get to know her more and i have mad love for that girl. but, if there is one person i am most most happy about coming out to the track, it is alicia halpern (tienni duro). alicia and i started riding bikes right at the same time, and we met on a group ride at the end of 2006. yes, it accidently was a juniors group ride... and yes alicia was the one who asked me what high school i went to.... on friday night, we had a good laugh about that day we met, and then i confessed to her about my subsequent hemorrhoid because of that ride with her team. anyway, alicia is just too awesome to do justice here... awesome bike handler, so smart, interested in food justice, totally interesting person, just downright really awesome girl ... and i am so stoked she is liking track and even more stoked when she says something on the drive home like: "yeah, i think track is what i need right now to focus isn't about power-to-weight's just about raw power!" hells yeah, girl!

so, as for my races, now that i've blabbed forever.... well, hats off to hanan who was a total rockstar all night, for sure! some crazy speed was coming out of her legs, and there was nothing i could do about it. trust me, i tried. in that points race i tried sprinting from the back, from the front, slowing the pace down, speeding the pace up...and nothing really mattered. it was totally impressive to see her utter domination all night! it definitely was a blast to sprinting balls-out against her so many times in one night-- fun stuff! while hanan pretty much schooled me in seven sprints throughout the night, i will say i won being for the "cookie preme"-- good to know i can always find the extra motivation to go fast when it *really* matters.... two being the forty dollars in the miss 'n out-- of which, right before the race i hear my roommates start yelling at me: "newell-- you better win that--we need groceries--you are eating too much food" so, out of the fear of roommate backlash, i did all i could to get my shit together and win it. when we got down to three, i channelled my inner-annabell and attempted to not be a dumb match sprinter, like i normally am.

anyway, friday night was a total blast. bummed i am missing the next one, but i am heading down south for the encino far west race-- but i'll be thinking of y'all for sure! so happy the real biking racing season has finally started!

***and thanks garret lau for the totally awesome pictures! you alway make me feel pro, even though i am soooo amateur.***

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

tire woes

so believe it or not i got *two* flats at the track this weekend.  one on saturday (front wheel), one on sunday (rear wheel).  i don't really know how that happens, considering we are on a track, not biking through west oakland.

anyway, major bummer cause those are my tubulars.  and i don't really have clincher wheels.  for some reason, i sold those clincher wheels i won during goldsprints, and now i am really re-thinking that sell.  i figured: fred made me these awesome tied and soldered wheels on some old matrix rims, and that was enough to have. and now a year later, i get two flats and am rethinking that sell. where did that $300 go anyway? into the abyss of my bank account.

how often do you replace those things anyway?  i rode on them a year-- was i due for a flat?  or was i short changed with some extra tread wanting get worn away.  typically, i like to run my tires right down to the casing - ask brian peterson.  some call that stupid, some call that economical.

speaking of economical, i begged steve pelaez for his old tires.  and steve owes me because: a) he didn't beat kieran in the keirin, and b) he always eats my food at races.  so he told me he is bringing his old tires for me friday night.  then i thought about gluing them....

man, lets talk about gluing tubulars.  i love fucking around with my bike and messing up everything up and creating a bigger problem than i started with.  actually, i am the queen of tinkering things into worse shape... but tubulars kind of scare me to death to fuck up...  i admit i have little sense when in comes to mechanics, but i have sense enough not to try gluing tires by myself.  i even watched the velonews demo- and decided i shouldn't mess around.  

so fred has glued my tires before.  but then someone told me they weren't on enough.  plus, i haven't hung out with fred since mid-march, so i don't think it is really appropriate to ask him to glue my tires.  and when i took one to the bike shop to glue last year, it was way more money than i had expected... and if i take two... yikes.  i don't even want to think about it.  at least i have some free used tires.  what i really need is a boyfriend to glue my tires-- woe is me!

so as i am contemplating my tire dilemma and bumming out i don't have a boyfriend to glue my tires... i figured: dude, beth bikes! is famous.  people should want to glue my tires!  gluing my tires totally builds street cred.  trust me. if i ask, i will have a waiting list of people to glue my tires.

unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

i put a nice request on facebook:  "okay, who wants to glue pelaez's old tires on my wheels? i make an excellent lasagna (or other request), which is at least worth the astounding cost of getting a shop to do that."

and you know what kind of response i get?  crap.  nada.  well someone wrote me some crappy haiku poem that had nothing to do with my request.  i thought, maybe, if i write a cool haiku poem back, someone will be motivated to help a girl out.  so i write:

glue, tubulars, fun
three layer lasagna- YUM
i need mastik one

but, unfortunately, my poem was no good.  

so, my lovely blog readers....if you want to glue my tires, i will be very thankful. i am very nice.  and i make a very good lasagna. (i can even provide you references for that if you don't believe me.)  

and if you live in britain, no need to reply.  i don't think the shipping is really worth it. and plus, the lasagna isn't good frozen from air mail. 

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

(not) winning five points.

so when my coach sent me a text message yesterday: "tuesday night racing instead of wed night?" i hemmed and hawed and then gave him a call.
"so, uh, why do you want me to do tuesday instead of wednesday?"

"i think you will get more pack riding experience...etc, etc.  what races are on wednesday, anyway?"

"chariot, scratch, win n out, miss n out"

"yeah, i think tuesday will be better for you"

"...........uhhhh, o....kay"
normally, i wouldn't really care.  but let's be honest, the real reason i was giving the change in schedule a second thought was because our yearly NACHO POTLUCK was occurring at work on tuesday--and the thought of gorging on nachos and then doing two 40-lap points races didn't sound all that appealing.  

but, i obeyed orders.  

plus, i like a challenge. and nachos for lunch would be a new challenge.  so while i was originally bummed, in fact, i started getting a little bit excited about it-- after i thought about it more.

you see, when i was a track & field runner in college-- one season i decided to do cross country, "for training."  now, why i thought this was a good idea is beyond me, considering i was a 400m runner, cross country only kills your fast twitch... but i thought it'd be fun to be a 3-season athlete, and i always liked the distance runners, and they always seemed to have much more fun going on long runs, compared to doing hell interval repeats in circles every single day.  so i ran my ass off that summer, doing something stupid like 12 miles sunday runs...and then was still the slowest person on the JV team (except during "speed work" day).  

anyway, i was like the amazon woman on the cross country team.  those girls were tiny.  probably because about fifty percent of the team was "vegan with a gluten allergy" -- and, i'm guessing that isn't just cause i went to some hippy school on the east coast....  so when i'd see a few teammates at lunch time, some just ate baby carrots or celery of something like that, cause, ya know, don't want to mess up your stomach for a workout FOUR hours later.  so, before interval day, i used to make a point of eating in the locker room just before we'd go warmup. at first it was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then i'd up my anti each week-- ice cream bar, pie, it didn't really matter.  i got adventurous!
the first few weeks, intervals were a little extra unpleasant.  but i was surprised at how after a few weeks of such diligent training, nothing -- i mean nothing -- phased me.  a couple teammates thought it was disgusting, but mostly it became a joke and a challenge.  still, i am a firm believer that you can train your stomach to digest anything before exercise, it just takes persistence and consistent training, like anything.

but i never tried nachos.

granted, i had many hours of digestion before racing starting.  but the combo of the chips, fake cheese, refried beans, sour cream, salsa, guacamole, and non-alcoholic margaritas seemed intriguing, to say the least.  so i didn't hold back at the nacho potluck.  and you know what?  i didn't even notice during the race.  so i won.

well, actually, i didn't win.  (by winning above, i mean i beat the nachos...not actually, anyone in the race.)   i think i scored a whopping ONE point all evening.  

except for the five points i scored in my own imaginary world.  so when the pace slowed down going into 'bell lap'- i popped it out of turn four, and to my surprise i am sprinting really hard down the back stretch and no one is coming around me.... so i just ramp it up even more around the turn, and i come out of turn four totally gassed--- but i really wanted to win that sprint, so i put in an extra little effort and no one is coming around... but i kinda hear something in my delusional sprinting state-- and i look up at the lap cards and it says "6" -- and yes, indeed, larry was ringing the bell.... 

what a dumb shit -- sprinting a lap early.  well, i was totally gassed at that point, as i poured everything into my sprint... so when the actual sprint started, i could do nothing but get dusted and dropped with 5 laps to go, like a big nitwit. so, all i can say about the whole evening is:
a) i got one point, and
b) the nachos didn't make me puke
so i suppose i can call it a successful evening.


oh yeah, i forgot the best part of the night.  simmons comes up to me and asks me if i know when we are getting our new team kits. i say i don't know, but i hope soon, cause i look like a club rider in this jersey.  (i am wearing john's old jersey, which, is a bit baggy on me to the least)  then simmons looks at me and says, yeah that is huge!  you need to get a boob job.  i inquire if this is covered under team sponsorship.