Monday, February 09, 2009

the power of delusions

so sometimes late at night i lie in bed and begin day dreaming about normal things, namely: boys...

but most of the time i lie in bed indulgently daydreaming in some completely ridiculous delusions of grandeur about, well, pretty much anything.

my night time delusions of grandeur know no limits. (and let's be honest, they aren't really limited to night time...) in fifth grade it was how i was going to be a bad ass saxophone player like lisa simpson. in seventh grade it was how i was going to be a bad ass saxophone player like charlie parker. and when i finally figured out i sucked at jazz cause i could never master the "growl" and my improv was pretty laaame...... i day dreamed about being a badass saxophone player like claude debussy-- cause "badass" is definitely the adjective one should use for classical saxophone-- really cool.

my delusions have crossed many genres--sports (from soccer, to running, to biking...and even to sports i have never tried like speed skating or roller derby); humanitarian efforts; fundraising campaigns; and other stupid shit ideas that knows no category. of course some of my delusions are realistic: like becoming secretary of health and human services in 2036.

and, to my credit, some of my delusions have actually come into fruition- like when i was doing americorps and raised $600 by buying "promotional not-for-sale" Oral-B toothbrushes that UCSF illegally sells in the student store for 49 cents, and re-sold hundreds of them for $2. i suppose a handful of my other delusions actually played out into something useful. but those are the rare exceptions. mostly, they are just delusions that take place while trying to fall asleep or staring out of the window of the 38L bus.

discussing delusions of grandeur is something one should not talk about in public, in fear of having people think you are for real a megalomaniac. in fact, sometimes i like to play self-diagnosis-internet-psychiatrist to see how messed up i really am. and, needless to say, when the words: "narcissistic grandiose fantasy" pop up, it isn't exactly a self-esteem booster...unlike the actual fantasy, which is a self-esteem booster. (at least temporarily)

but, yes, i know everyone day dreams and has these little delusions (although, of course, some people like to call them "dreams" or "goals" because they are more optimistic than me). delusions are frequently floating around; however, i always feel i must keep them hush hush, because, well....hmmmm, i believe "narcissistic grandiose fantasy" speaks for itself.

yet here i am discussing how in fact i might be a "megalomaniac" on a public forum, when usually this is a very hush hush matter. but, oddly enough, my blog doesn't feel like a very public forum. i mean, right now i am just holing myself up in my room as both of my roommates are sexing it up (hi mom!) in order to kill some time before i go to sleep and get up and ride my bike and go to work and blah blah blah. and, of course, i know my blog is a very public forum, as i see how many people read this thing every day. and i see how people i don't even know talk to me like they know everything about me. which, maybe they do, cause maybe there isn't too much to know.

but i suppose i had a point when i started this post and it was something along the lines about delusions of grandeur.

oh yes, how having this blog has really let me carry out my delusions of grandeur to a new level. take for instance my delusion of grandeur that started during track practice (i.e. running track) when i was in 10th grade. that is when i came up with my idea of "AG JEANS"- which i called jeans with big quads and small waist, for Athletic Girls. (get it?) it was not so much a delusion at that time, but something i would joke about with my teammates in the locker room. and now, many many years later i revived my jean idea (this time "keirin cut") as a joke for some blog material, and thought i'd do some healthy teasing of michael ball, because that seemed to be the flavor of the month in the cycling print media. and then my blog got linked and thousands of people started reading it and people are telling me to make t-shirts and i start corresponding with the PR guy from rock racing and blah blah blah. and, my jeans are still not made and nothing has changed. but truly, the internet is a very powerful thing, as it can truly allow delusions of grandeur to go to a new level. cause now i actually think i have a small chance of getting some free big-quaded jeans out of the deal, while in 10th grade it was just a locker room joke.

and, you see, such delusions are able to multiply in your mind when you get this in your inbox:

isn't pete billington amazing? doesn't that look real? (those are not real jeans, by the way. pete is a badass graphic designer.) and it is things like this that make me sort of believe in the power of delusions.

of course, for the power of delusion to reach a point of reality-- assistance and buy-in is necessary. and of course i have spent some time fantasizing about a most excellent plan to motivate such buy-in for the ToC (which readers must wait until tomorrow night to hear about). of course such fantasies about my plan for the ToC are just delusions requiring the buy-in from many strangers, as my delusion will require many people all across the state of california to help out. and getting others to indulge in my delusions is not to be expected. after all, everyone has their own delusions that take up due time. but then sometimes you get some unexpected graphic in your inbox, which make me believe in my delusions a little bit more.

8 comments: said...


nich! said...

those jeans are cool but that's clearly a dude's ass and not an Athletic Girl.

jOie said...

i love your writing beth! very entertaining : )

Big Brother said...

Megalomania: Runs in the family.


beth said...

david, that wasn't funny. let me go get some lithium

twinkiepatissier said...

i guess a label would indicate one's waist, inseam, and quad girth. said...

twinkie said ... "girth"

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