beth: i am sitting here with my dear friend from 7th grade drinking electrolyte drinks. say hi amy.
amy: hi fans of my main squeeze, beth. isn't she great? who else would allow someone to waste lots of their sports powder on drinks when I'm just going to sit on the couch all night? That's the kinda midwestern hospitality you get when you hang out with Ms. Newell....I could go on and on, but, back to the reason for this post. A warning, really.
beth: oh amy. you are so swell! anyway, little amy had a headache, so i found this to be a good to do a blind taste test of some electrolyte drinks, for an incredibly scientific study. the variable: three electrolyte sports powders; the measurable outcome: amy's face after having a sip. two of these i had just bought, and one i had from a long time ago last year that was sitting in my room because it was too nasty to drink. [on another note, people like to ask me why i am unattached. some products are just too gross to ever endorse....like product number 2]. so onto #1.
amy: like spandex to a biker, product number 1 drew me in close. i wanted more than a sip. in fact, my level of physical activity is slim to none these days (don't judge me, biking community) but this drink made me remember what it meant to be sporty. it not only fueled my muscles, but it fueled my memory.
beth: wow. that is quite an endorsement from a lard-ass like yourself. let us see about product number 2.
amy: i was helping myself to my first dose of electrolytes, when beth shoved another glass into my hand. i had to forgo glass number one of lemon-lime deliciousness for glass number two of necco nastiness. you may remember this "original" candy because it is so originally awful. imagine if you had tossed two of those wafers in a cup of water. the filmy aftertaste...well, all i can say about that is...at least it's fat free. THAT is what my supposed friend, now principal investigator, subjected me to...where is the IRB when you need them? Milgam's subjects thought they had it bad!
beth: amy was about to bail on the experiment, but instead i mixed up another cup of lemon-lime goodness and yelled at her in a very authoritarian voice: "you may find this SHOCKING, but THE EXPERIMENT MUST GO ON, AMY." of course, she complied.
amy: Product 3 was kinda vanilla, not to be confused with the real flavor which was lemon-lime. I almost felt bad for Product 3, as if Product 1 had stolen some its impact. Yeah, Product 3 was Product 1 lite. In the world of politics or beer, that might be an insult, but in this instance, maybe you want this sort of mild sneaky water substitute.
beth: well, it probably tasted like "product 1 lite" cause i didn't mix it very strong. as i said, amy is kind of a lard-ass and she didn't need any more empty calories.
alright, so products revealed:
amy: to the guy in the stands on friday night who we (me and honda betsy) caught talking about this blog, i respect you and your taste in web writers. it's nice to connect with other beth newell fans. also nice? product number 1. drink on, bikers, drink on...