Thursday, March 20, 2008

step-by-step guide and play, scene 2

"how to pick up dudes, scene 2" - by beth newell

step 1- ride an orange bike
step 2- wear a used safeway jacket to look totally official
step 3- ride your bike in a desolate parking lot in west oakland at dusk

scene: beth finishes her workout, then goes to a parking lot in the port of oakland eerie industrial area to practice cornering. beth bikes around islands in parking lot, taking probably bad lines and turning in an awkward fashion. this clear skill is obviously very impressive. next, enter, white mini van. (either a plymouth voyager, or dodge caravan, dated 1988-1992. run down with "for sale $1300" painted on windows.) beth avoids minivan at first, going around islands, and continues with her business. minivan comes to a stop close to beth and sketchy man is seen in the window.

sketchy dude: rolling down window, hey excuse me.
beth: stops her bike and looks over at minivan. yeah?
sketchy dude: so what are you training for?
beth: uh... just some races coming up.
sketchy dude: where are they?
beth: san jose, i guess
sketchy dude: how far are the races.
beth: a bit perplexed and unsure how to answer this question, but not really wanting to explain the rules of the miss 'n out or track omniums..... i guess around 10 miles.
sketchy dude: oh, that is far!!
beth: ?!?!?!?!
sketchy dude: so are you married?
beth: ?!?!?!?! uh, no. [thought: for reals, was the segue?]
sketchy dude: so you are single?
beth: uh, yeah..... [thought: why didn't i lie? why didn't i lie?]
sketchy dude: can i get your number?
beth: in a nice, yet firm tone, i'm not really looking to date anyone right now. [thought: a lie, but i don't care.]
sketchy dude: i don't mean dating. i mean friends. i can talk to you on the phone.
beth: i'm sorry. mumble mumble.
sketchy dude: mumble, mumble. drives away.
beth: skeezed out, and decides cornering practice is done and goes home.

scene close.

theme: practicing cornering not only doesn't help, but it also brings with it men in white vans trying to pick you up.

7 comments:

WarrenG said...

I'm sure the single gals appreciate your efforts to guide them, but there is something missing from your (Thursday) post...

twinkiepatissier said...

CORRECTION
attainable ranking (as of 3/20/08 5:53pm):

1. i need more hours.
2. a hobby that pays for itself.
3. a boyfriend who will pay my rent.

Gilby said...

The following is an actual conversation between Boyfriend and me:

Boyfriend: Beth from Beth Bikes! Is my Facebook friend!
Me: Hm...I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with that.
Boyfriend: Are you serious?
Me: You KNOW she has bigger quads than me!

Carol G said...

I guess this proves twinkie's last comment on my online dating post that you can find weirdos ANYWHERE!

Beth said...

gilby, that is funny! i was wondering who that random person from MN was who wanted to be my friend... i accepted cause online friends require low commitment of a single click. you coming to our AVC in june???

CyclistRick said...

Hanging out around the docks late in the evening ... now what kind of guys go trolling in that area? Best to avoid them, I would think.

I like twinkies changing set of attainable ways for you to reach financial nirvana; this morning the boyfriend paying your rent was #1 now it is #3. What changed in the past 5 hours?

Anonymous said...

DUMBASS