Thursday, March 13, 2008

....and it wasn't even the quads........

"how to pick dudes up" - by beth newell
a step-by-step manual and play.
  • step one: put on a skirt
  • step two: wait on platform of bart. when train starts coming impatiently rock up and down on your toes or roll your ankles, effectively flexing your sick, muscular calves.
  • step three: half make eye contact with semi-questionable-cute boy on bart.
  • step four: don't make any effort to converse and leave at your destination stop
  • step five: walk to location to meet friends, who are not there yet. lean on bar, waiting for them to arrive
  • step six: semi-questionable-cute boy from bart will shortly arrive, cause who could stay away from those calves?! acknowledge his presence by avoiding eye contact.
  • step seven: wait at bar, waiting for bartender to serve you...but quite nonchalant, because you are really in no rush to drink, as your tolerance is one drink.
  • step eight: semi-questionable-cute boy from bart (from here on out, referred to as bart boy) will pick up on your clear signal, come to bar, make conversation, and buy your drink. (or in this case get a free drink for the both of you cause he knows the bartender) say thank you. feel obligated now to half attempt to make small talk. [see play below]
curtains

beth: so do you like living by the lake? blah blah blah. you had your bike with you ; do you bike a lot?
bart boy: uh, around town and stuff. i can tell by your calves that you bike a lot.
beth: [becomes uncomfortable at such a comment, yet also feels a sense of accomplishment that she picked someone up from her calf muscles....yet, despite such flattery, she is just skeezed out.] uh, yeah.
bart boy: blah blah blah blah. sit down here. blah blah blah
beth: yeah okay, but i am meeting my volunteering friends for a goodbye party, but they aren't here yet, but will be here shortly, so i need to keep my eye out.
bart boy: blah blah blah. well, i am an artist. blah blah blah. and that means i am blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah.
beth. yeah. [internal monologue: done....]
bart boy: blah blah blah. well, i hid my bike out in the alley, cause i really don't have money for a lock right now. blah blah blah. and can you believe i've had three bikes stolen? blah blah blah. blah blah blah.
beth: [and done.] (enter familiar face) oh, hi allison! (to bart boy) nice meeting you-- looks like my friends got here! thanks for the beer!

scene close.

theme: although your cut calves may attract people to you, they are most likely not worth your time. although, perhaps you might get a free beer out of the deal, which you can nurse all night.

17 comments:

twinkiepatissier said...

never make any eye contact with anyone on BART, period. if you are gonna fish there, please practice "shades" trick.

with sunglasses:

1. no eye contact

2. if people (suspicious of um...you know what...) question why you are wearing one in the tube, say that you are very tired from [exam/work/rave/goldsprints/snorkeling] and want to take a little nap, and the BART light is too bright

3. if you find a cute boy, magically wake up, lift your sunglasses to your head gracefully, and make a wakey-wakey dreamy eye contact with him

Dash's Mom said...

Beth, you are one smooth chic. Did you learn all those moves from Dash? Cut calves beat out quads any day.
Good move getting the free beer - that's better than getting a brownie prime.

WarrenG said...

If that guy had known that the beer is to be offered along with a chocolate donut he might have had a chance...

And two blog posts in one day?! Extra energy, I guess.

Laura said...

I'm glad to see this made it onto your blog. People look to you for guidance, after all.

We really need to get your tolerance up.

anthony said...

you sure do get a lot of free drinks...

chatterbox said...

Hmmm. He can't afford a lock, but has had to replace 3 bikes. Oh well, at least he got you a free beer!

Oh, great sage of quad measurement. I come here for advice. I just did my early season measurement. I am in a quandary. The left side is 59 cm and the right side is 60.5 cm. Do I (A.) average, or (B.) just go with the biggest number? I really want to be a part of the 60 cm cool kids club, so I'm hoping you'll say B.

CyclistRick said...

Hmmm, perhaps if you showed a little quad you could get more beer. But given that Bart Boy could not afford a lock I question how many he could provide, and forget about dinner.

We just had a quad measuring party here in the back room of the house. Mine are more puny than before: 54cm. Ouch! I see that Ms C. has just reported what we found on her, asymmetry.

Beth said...

interesting at the asymmetry-- i say, go for the big number. it is all about bragging anyway. i only ever measure my right leg...so i have no clue if the left is bigger or smaller.

twinkiepatissier said...

cyclistrick - is your head bigger than your quads?

CyclistRick said...

twinkie - yes. how depressing.

meh-wee-uhn said...

I think I got hit on by my bank teller on Friday. I was wearing my helmet (which is not as common down here as it is up there) and he told me about his bike.

Blah, blah, blah.

Then he gave me his card.
"Call me if you have any questions about the services we offer. And you can email me."

WarrenG said...

If you flex and flash your calves you'll get free checking!

Giovanni said...

thats great. thank you :)

wonder if that works for us boys.

Some differences maybe... don't think the skirt will work on the ladies.

WarrenG said...

Tried the skirt. I still pay for checking. Shoulda brought Beth along as my wing gal.

MoMoneyHoney said...

you really should quit your day job and start leg modeling =)

Beth said...

morgan- i have too many scars. biking is a double edged sword.

MoMoneyHoney said...

haha! good point - and if you're like me, your legs are full of bruises from clumsily getting on and off the bike...