Thursday, December 10, 2009

unum unum unum

so yesterday at work i had this mandatory 15 minute appointment, in which i had to meet with this "unum" rep. the previous week we had our employee benefits review, where we got told we are loosing some "floating holidays" and that our kaiser premiums are increasing (and some good news too, i won't be a total debbie downer). anyway, we also got told we were being offered to contribute to some life insurance policy, and we all had to meet with this "unum" rep, whether or not we wanted the life insurance.

if bethbikes dies by drowning in a pool of boiling snot -- which has always been my answer of the worst way to die, by the way -- i am sure people will be sad, but not because i am providing any monetary benefit to anyone. as my roommates can attest, i am kind of a suck-- as i eat their food sometimes. or, a lot of the time. so instead of signing up for a life insurance and giving them $20,000 upon my drowning in snot, i have opted to leave them in typical bethbikes style- high and dry with a bunch of clutter in my room, just toss my body in the bay, sans life insurance policy.

so we had to meet with this "unum" rep-- which is actually pretty fun to write and for some reason reminds me of "nuun"-- which i have never had this product, but i have 2 water bottles from them. one i got at FSA in seattle, which they let me steal when it started to rain, and they were desperately trying to get rid of stuff. i was stoked, cause i had few water bottles, and they were all moldy and nasty. the second nuun waterbottle i stole from jack linquist from LA. we were there for a race and i brought my cool nuun water bottle, and i guess it had rolled under a bench. when he tried to take "his" nuun bottle, i argued with him and said it was mine. and that i really need that water bottle. like real bad. and he let me take it. then i found mine, and now i have two. and jack has none. but he does have a piston on his calf, and i don't. so let's call it even.

anyway, we had to meet with unum rep-- to tell him we didn't want the life insurance policy. i sat down in the little room and the dude looked AWESOME. i liked him right away. he was a big guy in a suit. like almost a zoot suit. and had a purple hanky tucked in his pocket. he was no bullshit and told me right off the bat: "i don't care if you sign up, because i don't get paid on commission- so don't feel bad saying no. i'll just tell you what we offer."

he went through the life insurance policy and i did not not get it. then he said he was supposed to tell us about another benefit, and that no one in the office had signed up for it. i met with him at 5:30pm, and was the last for the day. it was called "accident coverage". he mentioned it thinking i'd just say no, and i'd sign a paper and he could go home. but i got excited and quickly said: "I GET IN TONS OF ACCIDENTS! TELL ME MORE!"

so he went on, giving me the "life can take a tumble" brochure, that detailed out the benefits you get when you have an accident. i questioned him, "but i have health insurance, why do i need this?" and he told me that the money is paid directly to me. that i can use it for out-of-pocket expenses, or to fix my bike, or to go out to dinner. so you send in your claim, and they send you a check directly. but he told me it doesn't cover suicide attempts... or violent crimes if i am the initiator of the violent crime-- like if i decide to rob someone on the street and end up shooting myself. well, he wasn't too sure on that example, but i told him i am very cautious about my safety when i mug people.

i started looking at the policy and was getting kind of ... well, excited.

$150 for going to the ER
$100 for a concussion
$25-400 for a laceration
$750 if you are admitted to the hospital.

shit, i barely had any accidents this year, and I could have collected well over $400 this year.

he told me the cost of purchasing this accident insurance, and it was $6 a pay period, or about $120 for the year. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

i can bet on a few things in life, but i think chances are pretty good i'll go to the ER. this is like really good gambling odds. like being the dealer. but my odds are even better than chance, cause i am a bad bike handler. is it wrong i am kind of hoping for a hospital admission, cause i could get like a grand out of that deal? yeah, it is. but you shouldn't lie about your feelings. so, don't feel bad if i eat pavement this year. it was probably on purpose cause i was trying to fund my disc wheel or something like that.


Gilby said...

I totally got the same thing, for all the same reasons!!! (Well, through Aflac.) And you should check if there's a wellness benefit--you might get half your premium back just from getting an annual physical.

All that said, I really hope you don't eat pavement.

hernando said...

there's burgeoning bunny hopping skilz arguing against you taking any diggers in the future

that, and i won't allow it.

karla said...

That is SOLID! I wish I could get that somehow. I guess you can't get accident insurance added on unless you actually get health benefits in the first place though, right? Drat.

Smart play, Newell.

Ted V. said...

If you need a wheel to overlap, I can oblige, for a small fee of course. I'm usually at the back of the field so no one else will eat pavement.

Canada life insurance said...

I think that the accident insurance is very good thing for everybody who is very active in sports. I've got friend who is used to enjoy his mountain bike quite a lot and after he got extra accident insurance he is very satisfied when he gets these extra money. However, I don't think that he would now risk more than before.


Patrick said...

It's like you 2 were meant to meet each other that day! & yes I mean in that way. You should call him. Call him!

Marissa said...

OMG I am totally signing up for this - thanks Newell - you have once again opened my eyes to the light :)