Friday, June 11, 2010

match sprint? pschaw.

response to mr. miller

for those not privy to following the norcal cycling blog shittalking scene (mom, sorry i said shit.). let me review.
  1. rand miller expresses questionable interest in racing on the track on facebook.
  2. me, being the nice person i am, asks my boyfriend to write a nice blog post and use his pull to try to find the poor guy a bike. i also told my boyfriend that he could likely guilt rand into trying the track, by being done under the guise of telling rand that he himself will do a track race again. [this was, perhaps, a backhanded suggestion on my part to get hernando racing again. i am sick of beating him in city-limit sprints and celebrating with no one around to see it. i would much rather embarrass my boyfriend in public.]
  3. instead of writing a most excellent blog post like i told him to (i even outlined the bloody thing for him), he instead write a blog post in which he projects his man crush on me. i'm okay with that, but i just want to make it public record that it is hernando sifting through cycling race photos of rand's mullet [RIP] at 1am, creepily smirking at his Toshiba.
  4. then, mr. miller responds and challenges me to a match sprint. [let me finish my chronology, then i have a few words.] but, in short: it's on.
  5. Hellyer, anonymous blogger on norcalcycling, proposes we match sprint at 5pm on saturday, right before warmup at the testarosa vineyards velodrome challenge. let me just say, Hellyer, if you can arrange it... i'll dust that skinny quaded boy.

but, i just want to go on the record as saying: I HATE MATCH SPRINTING!


i tried to like it. i really did. but last year, after losing every single fucking match sprint i did. (sorry mom), i finally decided i was done with trying to be a sprinter. yes, i said i lost *every* match sprint i did at the AVC at hellyer last year. every one at the alpenrose velodrome challenge. and, yes, every one at FSA as well. and after that, i said no more. i'm done.

and now i am challenged. by rand miller. (who is probably going to be a douche and go all kilo on me.) to a match sprint. the race i hate. i really wish it was some race i liked doing, like a miss 'n out; however, i realize that the head-to-head of a match sprint is much more dramatic. so, i will concede. (but just this once.)

to pump myself up for doing my most detested track race, i watched some you tubes match sprints this week in order to channel some bad ass tactics.

if i had any sort of match sprinting skills, i would go all vickyP on him.

what exactly is going all vickyP?

no, i am not talking about posing nude on my track bike. i'm talking about her most intimidating match sprint tactics that make me just watching it on universal sports, shudder and want to curl up in the fetal position and be held.

this is my favorite: fast forward to 1:45:55. see how she looks straight back for two laps straight. around the turns, on the 45 degree banking. all while scowling. [shudder] that poor russian probably shat her pants.


well, i won't do that, cause i can't look behind me like that and not hit the fence. but, it doesn't matter. i can scowl really good. evidence by any photo ever taken of me while bike riding.

so-- go ahead rand, go borrow a fancy pantsy BT bike with disc wheel and moster gear. me and my 36 spokes will leave you somewhere in turn 2.

see you on saturday, bitch.

(sorry, mom, that was for intimidation effect)


Rand said...

The tone of this post makes it sound like you'd rather bow out. In fact, it just sounds like you want your boyfriend to race track.

Frankly, I'm not sure I'm going to show up to the track tomorrow for a grand total of like, two minutes of riding time. That was Hellyer's suggestion, not mine. That doesn't really qualify as "getting into track racing," does it? Wasn't that the point of this entire adventure?

I'll start racing track for you Beth, but I'll wait 'till I can actually ride on the track for more than three laps. Then I'll beat you in a match sprint. Or a points race. Or a flying 200. Or anything. Just as long as it makes you happy. :)

Hellyer said...

Team Bell Lap is hosting Friday Nite Racing June 25. That would be a perfect night for the showdown. People want to see the a King v Riggs type grudge match - it makes great TV. And the match sprint is perfect - short, weird, and full of weird little moves. Let's do it two weeks from today!


PS. And i'm not all that anonymous - i thought that was just how we (cycling bloggers)... rolled with nicknames and shit.

hernando said...


the internets are awesome

The Bearded Wonder said...

To further cross pollinate: Now that everyone's wet pants are in a bunch, I think the only thing that can truly resolve this situation is a 4-up beer kilo. I'm takin' Hellyer, though he may be beat to the line, no one and I mean no one is packin' the beer away faster!

beth said...

excellent rand. i'll see you hopefully on friday, june 25th. i emailed you information on your saturday or monday beginner session you need to take first.

and, oh yeah, you'll definitely beat me in a points race.

DNA The Splice of Life said...

This event definitely needs video and commentary/smacktalk evidence