Sunday, December 20, 2009

hair cutting gone wrong...again

so last year at christmas i went home with ratty hair. i also had a pretty rockin' acne breakout, so you could have easily mistaken my 2008 christmas pictures with the fam, from ones when i was sixteen.

so i made two promises to myself. one, i was going to clear up my acne. that was my new years resolution. i think it was the only resolution i have ever followed. my friend mai-stella's friend, dan kerns, started some acne company-- where he has the three step REGIMEN. so i started it and followed it religiously. i love dan kerns. you can watch his cute little videos about how to wash your face and stuff. anyway, it worked! my skin was looking like a non-adolecent until this fall time, where i took a little backtrack because of some stupid i.u.d. (hi mom!) my second promise was to get my hair cut before i go home, so i don't look like a ragamuffin. which (hair) is the topic of this post, not my acne.

so i go to the hair dresser and say: "i want my hair length between my SHOULDERS and my CHIN, so i can put it in a PONYTAIL. and, yeah, you can make it look cute with some layers if you like." i am not too picky. i feel like we had an understanding. she pointed to the length of my hair. then, you know how it goes. she asks me when the last time i got my hair cut was, and i say: in july i cut it myself. (i left off the part about how i just chopped my pigtails off, so it was all crooked...) and instead said: "i cut my hair about twice a year."

so maybe she took that small talk as liberty to cut a little more than our initial agreement. she started in the back and i could tell something was going terribly wrong. but i felt funny interrupting her so i just sat silently knowing it was going to be bad.

and it was.

i mean, it didn't look that bad. kind of bowl cuttish. ya know, CHEEK BONE length. i was definitely going to rocking the bike helmet mullet, i could tell. and i knew i'd look dumb for the xmas pictures again. i guess the only good thing that i can say about it, is that it was going to require the use of hair gel. and there was a period of my life, while i was residing in the eastern bloc, that i got a little bit into hair gel. like re-apply a few times a day, into hair gel. like, crunchy hair, into hair gel. and i could dig that again.

but, the hair cut is totally impractical. no ponytail. i can't even two little ponytails. so come monday, i am going to put my helmet on, bike to work, and be stuck with sweaty, matted down, weirdly cut helmet hair at work all day. with things flying up all over. and i won't even be able to put it in a ponytail to hide my sweaty yucky hair. and i don't really know how going to the gym is going to work, cause i can't put it back, and the hair just flops around in my eyeballs and is going to be a pain in the ass jumping rope. i think i am going to need to get a sweat band or something, but that won't help that flop in the back, so maybe a swim cap is a better idea.

despite all this, i was trying to be optimistic about the hair cut. until i woke up this morning. "this hairdo will be easy, you won't have to do anything to it" hair dresser lady says. bullshit. i should have rolled out of bed and went right back to the hair place in my pjs and ask her what does she mean by "not do anything."

so i did what any logical person would do.

i got scissors out of my bottom drawer and took matters into my hands.

i tried to "thin it out" by doing that flutter cut you see people do. i think i got the hang of it eventually, but cut some chunks in my hair a few times by accident. oh well. i thinned out a lot of hair. the trash can was pretty full. then my hand got tired, so i stopped. except i only cut the left side, so now i have two different haircuts on each side of my head.

it's super post-modern.

so, in conclusion, i decided i am just going to wear my helmet all the time. my boyfriend just got me a new helmet. except i am not wearing it-- except when he is around-- because i don't want to ruin the new one. so i am just going to wear my old helmet all the time. you never know what is going to happen in a cubicle. the building hasn't been seismic retrofitted yet, so i can just pull that card for the next few months until my hair gets to be ponytail length again.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"It used to be that computer viruses attacked only your hard drive. Now they attack your dignity"

that quote, my friends was in today's front page article of the new york times.

Malicious programs are rampaging through Web sites like Facebook and Twitter, spreading themselves by taking over people’s accounts and sending out messages to all of their friends and followers. The result is that people are inadvertently telling their co-workers and loved ones how to raise their I.Q.’s or make money instantly, or urging them to watch an awesome new video in which they star.

“I wonder what people are thinking of me right now?” said Matt Marquess, an employee at a public relations firm in San Francisco whose Twitter account was recently hijacked, showering his followers with messages that appeared to offer a $500 gift card to Victoria’s Secret.

really? is this the crappy example that the new york times finds?

i can do much better.

so my facebook account got hacked last week and i was sending people chats about this awesome new diet program i am on.

but, the real embarssing one was this one:

"75% of girls are bisexual. are you into 23yr old girls into cumming?"

apparently that is what i was chatting with folks about on facebook. only two people told me about this.

  1. my friend andy from minnesota who just got married. in fact him and his wife were staying at my place when they got engaged this spring. talk about embarrassing, when you get a chat that says something: "so you sent me kind of a weird message the other day..."
  2. or how about that i also sent this to adam duvendeck, ya know like the olympian. so i never actually really had a conversation with him...other than saying hi in passing. but he was nice enough to respond-- not cause he is into 23 yr old girls cumming-- but because he told me he wanted to tell me i was hacked.
now, after reading the nytimes article, i realized i didn't take the appropriate action. nytimes instructs:
After discovering their accounts have been seized, victims typically renounce the unauthorized messages publicly, apologizing for inadvertently bombarding their friends. These messages — one might call them Tweets of shame — convey a distinct mix of guilt, regret and embarrassment.
yeah, i didn't do this. i mean, i just thought i'd let it slide. who knows, maybe my facebook account is still sending out these chats. guilt, regret, embarassment? well, i just kind of thought it was funny.

anyway, point of this is not about my hacking... but come on new york times! is this best example you can dig up for your article "embarrassing" hacking about about telling your friends how to up their iq ... or getting a $500 coupon for victoria secret...? i could have provided a much more interesting antecdote.

but may it is that your editor just won't let you write 'cumming' in news print.

thankfully, i can write whatever i want on my blog. (hi mom!)

Friday, December 11, 2009

stolen idea

(citation: brian peterson)

so as many trackies have heard, the pursuit and points race have been eliminated from the olympics. i will save the political analysis of such a decision, because my blog is not a source of useful information, nor a statement on cycling politics. snore. let's just say i think it is dumb.

upon the announcement yesterday, the olympics will instead hold the international omnium, or kind of like the pentathlon of cycling. five events, one day. excellent for people who succeed in mediocrity. like me. that is why i like the event. but, i also like the miss 'n out, and don't think that should have an olympic event. anyway, statement came out yesterday that they are thinking of making the five event omnium into a six event omnium.

now, anyone who has done the event, knows that that is pretty much a bitch slap to both the athletes and the promoter. poor promoters-- a six hour event suddenly turned larger. and poor athletes-- that is just cruel.

but this begs the question of what is the sixth event?

article says that they are adding a sixth to make it more 'endurance friendly'. omnium already has a points race, scratch race, and a pursuit-- so what would the sixth event be?

let's do some brainstorming. please pitch in the comment section.
  1. keirin- the omnium is rich on time trials-- having three. but only has two mass start races. it makes sense to add another mass start race, and of the "championship" events that the omnium /doesn't/ have, this seems to be the only one... minum match sprints, although that seems quite unlikely, given the already long nature of the day. however, because there is criticism that the omnium is already to sprinter focused with a 200m, kilo/500m, and scratch race-- this is pretty unlikely.
  2. another scratch or points race-- possible. but i think this would be pretty dumb to have the same event twice. it'd be like making decathletes do the mile twice.
thus, the events must be some more crowd pleaser track events.
  1. miss 'n out- of course this would be sweet. the loser would get an extra long rest for the next event and the winner would get no rest, but low points. it adds another element of strategy to the game.
  2. chariot race- jenny oh suggested this one & peterson commented whether or not you could bring your own beefy holder.
  3. tempo race or snowball- this would be a blast for all the competitors and a sure way to put the extra nail in the coffin
  4. unknown distance- it is my opinion that the 500m/kilo should be moved to the second to last race, and the unknown distance go last. that way, if it is close, the results of the olympic champion could depend entire on luck. what is more fair than that? me, i am pretty confident i'd become olympic champion by attacking just at the right moment, come around turn 4 to hear the bell ring and ride in solo for a first.
other thoughts?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

unum unum unum

so yesterday at work i had this mandatory 15 minute appointment, in which i had to meet with this "unum" rep. the previous week we had our employee benefits review, where we got told we are loosing some "floating holidays" and that our kaiser premiums are increasing (and some good news too, i won't be a total debbie downer). anyway, we also got told we were being offered to contribute to some life insurance policy, and we all had to meet with this "unum" rep, whether or not we wanted the life insurance.

if bethbikes dies by drowning in a pool of boiling snot -- which has always been my answer of the worst way to die, by the way -- i am sure people will be sad, but not because i am providing any monetary benefit to anyone. as my roommates can attest, i am kind of a suck-- as i eat their food sometimes. or, a lot of the time. so instead of signing up for a life insurance and giving them $20,000 upon my drowning in snot, i have opted to leave them in typical bethbikes style- high and dry with a bunch of clutter in my room, just toss my body in the bay, sans life insurance policy.

so we had to meet with this "unum" rep-- which is actually pretty fun to write and for some reason reminds me of "nuun"-- which i have never had this product, but i have 2 water bottles from them. one i got at FSA in seattle, which they let me steal when it started to rain, and they were desperately trying to get rid of stuff. i was stoked, cause i had few water bottles, and they were all moldy and nasty. the second nuun waterbottle i stole from jack linquist from LA. we were there for a race and i brought my cool nuun water bottle, and i guess it had rolled under a bench. when he tried to take "his" nuun bottle, i argued with him and said it was mine. and that i really need that water bottle. like real bad. and he let me take it. then i found mine, and now i have two. and jack has none. but he does have a piston on his calf, and i don't. so let's call it even.

anyway, we had to meet with unum rep-- to tell him we didn't want the life insurance policy. i sat down in the little room and the dude looked AWESOME. i liked him right away. he was a big guy in a suit. like almost a zoot suit. and had a purple hanky tucked in his pocket. he was no bullshit and told me right off the bat: "i don't care if you sign up, because i don't get paid on commission- so don't feel bad saying no. i'll just tell you what we offer."

he went through the life insurance policy and i did not not get it. then he said he was supposed to tell us about another benefit, and that no one in the office had signed up for it. i met with him at 5:30pm, and was the last for the day. it was called "accident coverage". he mentioned it thinking i'd just say no, and i'd sign a paper and he could go home. but i got excited and quickly said: "I GET IN TONS OF ACCIDENTS! TELL ME MORE!"

so he went on, giving me the "life can take a tumble" brochure, that detailed out the benefits you get when you have an accident. i questioned him, "but i have health insurance, why do i need this?" and he told me that the money is paid directly to me. that i can use it for out-of-pocket expenses, or to fix my bike, or to go out to dinner. so you send in your claim, and they send you a check directly. but he told me it doesn't cover suicide attempts... or violent crimes if i am the initiator of the violent crime-- like if i decide to rob someone on the street and end up shooting myself. well, he wasn't too sure on that example, but i told him i am very cautious about my safety when i mug people.

i started looking at the policy and was getting kind of ... well, excited.

$150 for going to the ER
$100 for a concussion
$25-400 for a laceration
$750 if you are admitted to the hospital.

shit, i barely had any accidents this year, and I could have collected well over $400 this year.

he told me the cost of purchasing this accident insurance, and it was $6 a pay period, or about $120 for the year. TOTALLY WORTH IT.

i can bet on a few things in life, but i think chances are pretty good i'll go to the ER. this is like really good gambling odds. like being the dealer. but my odds are even better than chance, cause i am a bad bike handler. is it wrong i am kind of hoping for a hospital admission, cause i could get like a grand out of that deal? yeah, it is. but you shouldn't lie about your feelings. so, don't feel bad if i eat pavement this year. it was probably on purpose cause i was trying to fund my disc wheel or something like that.