Friday, September 12, 2008

direct from the master: alti's manual on podium girl kisses

so after i was podium girl tuesday night, i commented in my blog about how awkward lots of people were. i emailed mark altimarano about this phenomenon, and he agreed to share some of his smooth moves with the wider public. who is mark? well, let's just say this: he's been all over the world.

Direct from the lips of Alti:

You know Beth brings up a good point about some of the geazers out there needing some lessons on how to conduct themselves when hitting the podium. This past week @ Masters Track Nats, I observed, first hand, some peculiar behavior on the behalf of my fellow competitors while collecting podium hardware and congrats. So let me help by offering a little advice, laying down some guidelines and breaking it down:

1-Be cool!! This is not your chance at getting some tongue from someone, who is, most likely, way younger and hotter than you!

2-Smile and keep it light! You aren't trying to reach into the soul of whomever is hanging that medal around your neck. This is kind of like kissing your grandmom. You wouldn't want to makeout with your granny, would you??

3- No Frontal Approaches and no lip puckering!!!!! FAs are monster scary and strictly forbidden-a definite foul.
Podium Girl's Vantage Point

The podium kiss is merely a touching of cheeks with lips never contacting skin. If it happens that lips contact the cheeks it is done with only a light touch. There is no transmitting or exchanging of any saliva here.

4- Podium kisses are merely European greetings and come in two versions: FRENCH- three kisses (no!!! That's not with the tongue!!) and SPANISH-two kisses. Stick to simple movements: 1) Bow to receive the medal around your neck 2) turn the head slightly to your left for a light touch of the cheek and then 3) turn your head to the right for another touch of the other cheek. That's it for the Spanish style! (If you go French then turn one more time, back to your left and your done.)


chr15 tree said...

Excellent advice that i'll be sure to FU if i ever get the opportunity.

CyclistRick said...

This is kind of like kissing your grandmom. You wouldn't want to makeout with your granny, would you??

Was your outfit for the Saturday night podiums an attempt to highlight this point?

Anonymous said...

But no one can be as smooth as Alti....

Margin Walker said...

I always thought the two kiss version was the ITALIAN. But I have not been all over the world so I'm gonna take Alti's word on this one.

Laura said...

I thought the 2-kiss was French! And the 3-kiss was Spanish!

And my verification word is "pftuie," which sounds like what a podium girl might say after getting lots of kisses from someone she might consider to be a geezer.

twinkiepatissier said...

wtf, again?! data withdrawal here.