Friday, June 13, 2008

sadie hawkins and dear abby

so my friend sam has a weekly fix w/out dix girly bike ride around oakland. this week she is having a sadie hawkins themed ride. (e.g. girls invite boys)

in high school, i didn't go to many school dances cause i was lame. but my senior year, i did ask someone to sadie hawkins. (now this boy lives with his boyfriend in san francisco...i was really good at picking them!) anyway, i don't have a date for this sadie hawkins bike ride and think i will sit at home and watch my roommate knit (because i cannot knit myself). but, that is not the point of this post. geez, i am so self-absorbed sometimes. [you: sometimes? me: see, i said it for you. so you don't have to make that comment.]

anyway, this post is about sam's dilemma. sam said that this is a dress up affair. she recently posted this letter on a forum, so i am going to respond, because i have always wanted have an advice column!

Dear Abby,

Next Wednesday is Sadie Hawkins. I finally got the nerve to ask a boy I think is cute. To my surprise he said yes. I am torn between my love of looking and acting more ridiculous then I should and acting and looking cute (which I never feel I pull off very well, doesn't match my personality). The hardest part is the ridiculous dress was given to me as a present (in all seriousness) by a family relative who thought of me when they saw shoulder pads and a thousand beads attached to a black dress.

Please help me figure out the right dress to wear.

signed

cutely riduiculous

Dear cutely ridiculous,

First off, congratulations on this guy saying "yes." Either this person likes your ridiculousness or he doesn't know you at all and thinks you are cute. (Probably not both though, because, let's be honest, people never like your personality and your looks). It is clear from your letter that you want to wear the ridiculous dress and just needed some affirmation. Well, I am not Abby; I am Beth. That means I won't give you any advice, because I don't want you to be responsible for ruining your life. And we all know that life without a man is the equivalent of ruined. However, I will give you some things to think about.

Two key words popped out at me in your letter. 1) shoulder pads. The good thing about shoulder pads is they make your boobs look bigger. No matter how anarchist this dude seems, he still likes boobs. So if you are typical cyclist, shoulder pads could be a good thing, despite the dress looking ridiculous. 2) thousand of beads: nothing says sensual like a hand running over a series of cheap plastic beads, as you are both track standing at a red light. he has mad skillz and can track stand no handed, so he reaches over for a little gropey-grope on the corner of hollis and powell, only to feel the rough surface of beads covering your bosom, perhaps scratching his delicate trickster hands. the light turns green.

just think about it.

good luck with your decision.

-Beth (the new Abby)

6 comments:

velogirl said...

two words:

body

paint

ooh! two more:

liquid

latex

Katie said...

You must get syndicated.

Flandria said...

why can't i come up with velogirls suggestions?

it's always like hot and kinky

this world needs a lot more of those...

:-) sounds like fun times beth!

twinkiepatissier said...

lier.

correction to 1): shoulder pads. The good thing about shoulder pads is they make your ass look tighter and smaller. No matter how anarchist this dude seems, he still likes a delish-looking booty. So if you are typical cyclist, shoulder pads could be a good thing, despite the dress looking ridiculous.

think NFL.

ohionative said...

Glad to see you are feeling funny again. Shoulder pads definitely make a girls butt look better.

twinkiepatissier said...

yikes, i just noticed my own misspelling: liar, not lier.