Thursday, May 08, 2008

good reasons for spectators to come to friday night racing

lots of reasons to come to spectate at friday night races -- fast bike racing, hernandez on the microphone, beer, food, live music, shelley olds, karla kingsley, AND hanan alves-hyde ALL in spandex-- wow, i can't think of what else you would rather be doing?!?! Festivities start at 6pm, racing at 7pm. More info here.

jenny oh told me: "I think if we promise that Liz Hatch will be there, we'll get some spectators. Let's get her to recruit!"

well, i have never met liz hatch. and it is a bit of short notice for a guest appearance. she is pretty famous, i hear. how do i know that? well, she has a blog that sometimes gets over 50 comments!, i think the best i ever did was twenty, and that was almost a year ago..... but she definitely has a bunch of fans, and i'd really like to tap into that for friday night spectators. so, i did some research about her modeling to best entice spectators to show on friday. typically she models for different occasions, so below is me taking some cues from liz, and noting differences where applicable.

Here is Liz modeling for Maxim. However, this would be false advertising for Friday night racing. This scene, my friends, would never occur at Hellyer. Why? Track is not cyclocross. We stay very clean. The only way this scene could possibly get re-enacted at Hellyer would be if Liz Hatch accidentally fell off her bike, took off her clothes, started rolling around on the new sod, just as those pesky sprinklers on the infield started going off. Then, maybe this would be realistic advertising. Below is a bit more accurate.

Here is me modeling for Swobo. You can see the resemblence of the above photo by my slightly tilted down head. The difference in our photos lies in the long contrast in art history over impressionism versus realism. This photo is more in the realist style. In fact was taken at a track race at Encino. That's rights folks, that means if you show up Friday night you might be lucky enough to see me looking pregnant with a uni-boob.

I can't remember if this is an ad for Gillette Venus razor or Miller High Life. This scene also will never occur at Hellyer. Why? 1) We don't have a bathtub there. 2) Track racers quads aren't that puny. 3) It will be night and we will probably all have leg warmers on. However, in the same style, is me below.

Now here is me advertising for Neutrogena (tagline: dermatologist recommended). After Katie Holmes got all scientology on them, they called me up. I happened to be at ADT that weekend, so I said they could do a photo shoot. How does this resemble the above photo? I can't believe you need to ask this! Just as Liz's legs are silky and glimmery, so to are those arm warmers silky smooth. Again, the contrast in these two photos is much the impressionism/realism contrast. This scene you might see on Friday night: me putting on a helmet-- slash-- me with bushy eyebrows that should have been plucked two months ago -- slash-- me looking terrible in the before picture for a Proactive commercial.

Now, I realize that perhaps my pictures do not quite have the, what do you call it, "sex appeal" as Liz Hatch's pictures. I admit it, I am an amateur-- these were kinda DIY shots. Nevertheless, I think the photographs above give sufficient enticement for lots of people to show up as spectators this Friday night. I mean, after you have a few beers, that bushy eyebrow is going to be looking pretty good regardless and my 60.0cm quads with a dozen layers on will practically look like that bathtub shot.


twinkiepatissier said...

since you are an acron prude, i will say it out loud here.

beth has a very nice button-poppin' set of what-felt-like-a-size-d-cup boobies.

go to hellyer on friday!

CyclistRick said...

First off, how does Twinkie know your boobies feel like size D cups? OK, don't want to know.

After all the crap you have given the 40+ year-old male demographic, here you are trying to entice them to come to the track for the very reasons you give them (us) crap. ;-)

Personally, if I come I want to see the smackdown between you and Hernando. Bring it on!

Cheflandria said...

beth, you are hilarious

your picture is worth a miliion words that describes bicycle racing

okay, i will go for the hernando and beth showdown

MoMoneyHoney said...

you are hilarious, Beth! I can't stop giggling. =) Guess what? I am going to the track May 17th for the beginner session. Yep - no more excuses for me.

See you tomorrow friend!

worldbtom said...

Hey Beth, we just signed up Liz for FresnOakland. She will be racing BMX for us. You should see the tube-tops that the Donut King made for her. Smokin'!

Rickie Rainwater said...

I'll try again. Love the brades and the arm warmers.

alicat said...

hands down
best post ever!

Alice said...

Your blog entry deserves two thumbs up and at least 50 comments!!! lol!

Bet 'Liz' quads wouldn't make it at the track either.

hanan said...

i'll pitch in to the fifty comments. i also agree with alicia's 'best post ever' comment.

hanan said...

oh and sorry for flaking fri nite (no ride), let's make more secret tactics plans so i can follow through. does this count towards the fifty comments even though it's me twice? i think so..

ps by alicia, i meant alison

mhernandez said...


just like my quad size