Friday, February 01, 2008

the art of snot rocketing

i got a yucky cold and have been laying around my house mostly this week. the highlights included: a) i woke up wednesday morning with my left nostril clogged, but my right one clear... the two previous days it was flip-flopped, b) leaving my house on wednesday, moving the trash cans from the curb to the garage. this was my interval training for the week and got me super tired, so i then took a nap.

i went back to work, and rode my bike to work cause i thought i was feeling up to it. i was pretty much crawling along at snails pace, but that doesn't mean i can't practice important skills. given my congested state, this was the perfect opportunity to work on snot rockets.

i am not new to snot rockets. i started doing them 12 years ago. i distinctly remember my first attempt. i was out for a run in the freezing cold some january day in ohio, running along hudson-aurora rd. i had my walkman (which is weird, cause i hate exercising outside with music; i prefer zoning out and daydreaming) and put my finger on one side of my nose to give a honk... but i was pretty much a big pansy about it, so the snot dripped down all onto the wires of my earphones, and a big yellow glob landed on my fast forward button. then it probably turned into one yellow, snotty icicle-- that i had to pick off my earphone and fast forward button when i got home.

but i got better. lots better. when i ran cross country, i pretty much sucked compared to all the distance runners. but i could always out snot rocket them.

so when i snot rocketed on the bike for the first time, i figured it would be about the same. but, it is a bit more difficult. first, you have to ride with one hand. at first this was a problem for me. but no longer (i can even go no hands, but i haven't tired no hands snot rocketing...maybe for my trip home). second, you're going a lot faster, so it isn't quite so easy to make a clean break. third, when you are riding in group it is a lot easier to hit someone face on. while running, it is easy to just move to the right or left a little. but if you are in a paceline, you might not be able to go into traffic, or there might be a crosswind and you still might launch it into someone's face. over the past year and half, i practice snot rocketing.... but it isn't really cold here, so you don't get the residual snot effect like you do where there are actual cold winters where your hair freezes in icicles if you go out of the house with wet hair. but today was perfect opportunity to snot rocket away, and have one intense session honing skills.

now, i have long since perfected snot rocketing so i don't snot all over myself. that is no problem. but, i think there are some other strategical areas where one can snot rocket for purpose; however, aim of the snot is key.
  • getting that creepy guy off your wheel who just wants to check out your ass. this is a perfect opportunity to snot rocket. if you hit him, that is awesome. if you hit his garmin gps computer, that is even better. if you miss altogether, maybe he will be discussed at your femininity and thus move on.
  • there are occasionally some annoying drivers who are less than polite on purpose. (the key words here are on purpose. this move should only be saved for extenuating circumstances) blowing the snot rocket to hit the windshield is obviously the goal. however, to get into such a strategic location, you have to be directly in front of the car, not on the right side of the road...unless there is some crazy cross wind. nevertheless, you might be able to get the door handle, which will leave a nice little surprise when they get home or to work.
strategic snot rocketing is just that. strategic. it should not be over-used, as then it is no longer strategic. when not to snot rocket?
  • you're totally trying to attack and some bitch is just hanging on your wheel, so you hunk out a big wad of snot on her! YEAH! No. FYI- that is not so classy.
  • some old couple is hobbling across the street, right in the middle of your interval! instead of trying to run them over with your bike, you take the nicer option of just getting a little snot on them. Dude, that is not cool. You'll probably cause them to get some staff infection or something.
  • some punk kids in their scraper are sideshowing all over the road. you get in the middle of the road to snot 'em out. (i included the urban dictionary link for all you silicon valley readers, who might be a little out on the times....) are you a fucking moron? get your spandex self outta there and stop trying to get a good deal on your bags. and fyi, don't come dressed like that next time you want your fix. find some hippy dippy in berkeley who is going to overcharge you.
i am happy to report that i arrived to work today with the clearest sinuses i've had in a week. and my quads are 59.25cm.

8 comments:

runjoelrun said...

nice... need to remember not to read your blog over lunch.

Cheflandria said...

i learn a lot of things from your posts - very educational indeed!

twinkiepatissier said...

staph infection or something.

glad you are better. yeah, don't drink with me ever again.

chatterbox said...

I need to work on some of these more lofty skills. Thanks for the reminder. Oh, and hope you are feeling better by the weekend!

CyclistRick said...

I empathize. I had the crappy mucous thing for weeks, during which time I got extensive snot-rocket practice. You too can become an expert at calculating wind direction/speed to expertly deposit a snot-rocket on whatever person/device you desire. One warning; until you have the skill down, look downwind for any unsuspecting targets!

TreBone said...

Thanks Beth... between the Cool as Eff eyebrow move and my perfectly honed snotrocketing, my HOTNESS factors has SKYROCKETED!!!!

Woo Hoo

Sacwheelgirl said...

I've had the privilege to see a double snot rocket masterfully executed. No hands involved. No snot on any clothing or body parts. That takes talent.

Unfortunately, when I do it, it sounds like I just got a flat. Eck.

anna w said...

i am pretty sure i just peed in pants a little reading this.