Thursday, November 08, 2007

mike hernandez does fall cleaning.

once upon a time,one day in late summer, mike hernandez must have noticed that i wear the same jersey and one of two black shorts.

at this time, he took this picture of me at the track district meet.

i don't look so good, huh? i wasn't doing well. why didn't anyone tell me i shouldn't wear the same shorts day after day?! for real, there needs to be some FAQ given to new cyclists about this shit. it is embarrassing to talk about some stuff. how was i supposed to know there is something called "chamois cream" or that you shouldn't wear your shorts two days in a row? why doesn't anyone tell you this?!

early september was no fun. i was in a catch 22: if i dehydrate myself, i won't have to go through the pain of peeing multiple times a day...but when i do pee is will hurt a hell-of-a-lot.... but if i hydrate myself, each time i pee will hurt less because the acidity will be less, but i will still have to pee many more times a day. you can see my conundrum. saddle sores were no fun.

well, i finally learned the hard way not to re-wear your shorts and to use that chamois cream stuff. the problem was the washing the shorts so often, and them drying in time to wear them again.

scene change: mike hernandez does fall cleaning.

too bad safeway pulled sponsorship, but that meant i inherited lots of old clothes. (now anonymous commenter, please don't be creepy and make some comment about me wearing mike hernandez's old chamois. that is a very classless comment and not very witty to boot.)

i was excited not just about the bib shorts, but also all the winter stuff...last year i wore my brother's old running spandez from 1991 straight up -- without any chamois -- and a cleveland brown's sweatshirt. now i am totally pimpin' with vests, jackets, and other cool stuff. here is my new wardrobe additions (thanks mike!):
  • 4 safeway bib shorts
  • 4 safeway jersies (3 black, 1 white)
  • 2 safeway wind vests
  • 1 safeway jacket
  • 1 safeway skinsuit
  • 1 pair of safeway arm warmers
  • 1 pair of velo bella shorts (thanks sabine!!)
  • 1 reno wheelman skinsuit
  • 3 other jersies
whoa! that is a lot. i just like quintupled my wardrobe. when i go out riding with this safeway garb, i feel like a real bike racer poser. i mean, nothing like all that garb to make me look official....that is until you watch me ride and realize i am not official. team kits really make people look like they know what they are doing. that is bad for someone like me who doesn't know what she is doing. that is why i only wear half a safeway kit. either the tops, with generic black shorts.... or the shorts, with another top. fully matching in a teamkit should be reserved for real bike racers. and i am happy being a poser....

my roommates really make fun of my recent spandex obsession. when i started biking june '06 i'd go in my running shorts & t-shirt. then, i wanted to fit in with the bikers so i wore my long, full leg running spandex, hoping i would fool them that i was in bike gear. finally i got a jersey & shorts. then my friend lauren got me 2 jersies (that black castelli one and that pegoretti one from the thrift store) and a long sleeve jersey. for my birthday this past march, my friend tev got me knee warmers. those things are cool. i got armwarmers for myself. so, by the time the spring came around, i was pretty well geared up, minus the shorts department....

anyway, back to my roommates and my spandex obsession. when i got home with a garbage bag of all these new clothes, my roommates seriously thought i went off the deep-end. skinsuits? i am guessing seeing someone get into a "bike relationship" over the last year-and-half, has got to be weird. you suddenly disappear for long periods of time, get in accidents without much concern, start talking about weird stuff like gear inches, eat all the food in the house, and just be wearing funny clothes that look like halloween everyday.

with all these new clothes, the roommates were kind enough to humor me in a little fashion show. thank you betsy for taking these pictures and telling me what to do for poses. i would have been quite clueless without your direction.

betsy told me to pick up my bike. this was good advice, especially because mike herandez once told me: "always show the bike". i chose my track bike because i am in an argument with gunnar at the moment. plus, it is lighter to pick up.

as shown in the picture, this is me pumpin' it. "it" being the tires, not me running up a hill, pumping my arms.

speaking of arms, these are some safeway arm warmers. i am also wearing one of those wind vests-- what a cool invention!

oo la la. these are my track wheels that are no longer on my track bike, because i have been riding my track bike on the road.

here is another picture of a different wind vest! i am also putting my hair in a pony tail. although, i like to braid my hair when i wear my bike helmet, because sometimes if i wear a ponytail, i get headache with the helmet pushing on the ponytail. if i do wear a ponytail, i have it really low, under my helmet. i don't know how people keep their ponytails high and have it stick out in that hole. that always gives me pressure pain in my head, but i digress.

this is me attempting to pop the collar on that really warm safeway jacket. but that is kinda hard, cause there isn't really a huge collar. it is really hard trying to look cool in is hard generally, but especially in spandex. this shot was intended to look more bad-ass. but i am from ohio and my people don't do badass very well.

betsy told me to gaze off into the distance in this picture and unzip my jersey some. eek. scandal. but, i don't have cleavage like m-coco, so it didn't really matter that i unzipped it. but i am wearing that $10 sheila moon sports bra under there that i got at surf city...and i like it very much, and would highly recommend it.

betsy told me to lie down on the couch, like i do when i come home. except now i am not sweaty like i normally am.

mike hernandez gave me a skinsuit he apparently crashed in. that is okay. i am a crasher too. i am not really mad or ungrateful about the hole, i just thought it would be funny if i tried to look mad.

this would be cool if my quads were so big they were ripping the jersey. but no, they are small at 58.75cm still. (see how nice i wove that in for the thursday post?)

this is the other skinsuit. dude, mike you must have a rack or something, cause it was a little loose for me in the chest.

here are those velo bella shorts, and i am holding some chamois cream for good measure.

this was one of the a random jersey mike gave me. this was very appropriate cause i like to ride with the AARP crowd. that is because i can keep up with them and they buy me coffee when we stop. and i am a gold digger.

mike, why on earth are you ridding yourself of a phonax jersey? but you certainly put it in the right hands.

the end.


Flandria said...

what's up with the bruises?

velogirl said...

you're so cute! you could patch the shorts.

btw, if you were on a "real" team someone would have told you about no underwear, washing your shorts, chamois cream, and lots of other top-secret cycling team stuff.

Gilby said...

You poor thing! Before I had real cycling shorts or knew any "real" cyclists, I had saddle sores. But since I didn't know there was such a thing I was convinced I had herpes (though my gynecologist assured me it wasn't).

There are a couple girls locally who wear underwear under their skinsuits. But a) they have a coach and b) the coach is kinda scary, so we're all scared to tell them not to do that.

marscat said...

terribly funny!

love the gazing into the distance photo.

velocycling said...

Too bad!!

Thought this was your new Team Kit.

I think you are selling out.

Beth said...

velocycling: shhhh. that kit is in the works and me and m-coco's secret.

Velo Bella said...

I can't believe he gave you the skinsuit with the holes in it.

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

ok, what is up with that last picture?

you're pulling out of the fridge, what?

a bag of jello?
kidney transplant?
van Gogh's ear?

... and you have some SERIOUS bruising going on. yikes.

Beth said...

i know, my blood looks anemic. water and food coloring doesn't quite make for the realistic consistency...but i did my best.

i know it wasn't quite accurate with the phonax jersey, but blood doping in your refrigerator is way more funny than synthetic testosterone. (how could i have possibly done a pose with "synthetic testosterone"? what the hell does that even mean anyway?)

and, my bruises aren't so bad. they are a week and half healed! ...i know, i know: i'm never gonna be a leg model.

jen said...

since the t and the blood usually go together, it's all good :-)

great story! friends don't let friends ride in dirty shorts.

twinkiepatissier said...

oh crap... velocycling already knows about our kit. alright, we are going with plan b.

i think you should wear your make-up more often.

WarrenG said...

Mike is the FEMA of bike duds.

If you want to sew little "Monday", "Tuesday", Wednesday", etc. reminders on the inside waistband of your shorts no one will know.

Can't help noticing the biceps look to be getting bigger. By next spring you'll be able to thrash Peter in arm wrestling!

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

bag of blood and the phonax jersey ...

i can't believe i missed that.


TreBone said...

Hey Beth, don't use that weak blood you're storing in the fridge. It's a little "light". Although, you could mix in some of that ketchup...

Just a thought.

CyclistRick said...

Beth, here I am thinking of 'joining' with you and m-coco on Team Unattached and you seem to be defecting to my old/current team ("Old Guys Who Get Fat In Winter" - evidence available for 2001 and 2003. So should I welcome you to my old team, or move to your current team? I am confused.

And what, pray tell, is Hernando doing with our team jersey; he is neither old nor fat.

Mel :) said...

Try Arnica for the brusing. They have it as cream and a tablet thing too. Whole Foods has it. MAGIC!

Sacwheelgirl said...

You look cute Beth! Glad you got some new clothes and discovered Chamois Cream-- by the way Assos is the very very best. Worth the $$

Linnea said...

This totally cracked me up. When I started riding in 2004 I went through the same thing (well, I washed my shorts more, but I only had two pairs). Now, thanks to my cycling boyfriend, I am also a poser to the extreme (I ride for UC Davis, but can frequently be seen in Cal Giant or Tieni Duro gear).

Getting free cycling clothes is like Christmas! (maybe better).

MarkS said...

Hokey smokes!

This is the best post I've read in a LOOOOOONG time. Full on Bad ASS.

Lucky for all of our friends I dont have the pics of me riding in my 80's Fila jumpsuit with my black reboks and batting gloves........That would be a bit much for anyone.


MarkS said...

Almost forgot...........Love the Orange shoes.........but why are you sniffing that tire?

Just askin :)


Emily said...

Aw, I need to get me some Safeway tops to go with the bibs that I have.

Forget unattached, I say we start a Safeway women's cycling team. We can repurpose all the guys stuff. I'm ok with worn shirts, but worn shorts kind of give me the Hee Bee Gee Bees.